SPECIAL PREVIEW: REPRINT OF EPISODE ONE OF THE BOOGIE UNDERGROUND THINK-TANK: HOW TO SURVIVE THE END OF CIVILIZATION
An event as momentous as the End Of The World demands special equipment. The most important, after water and food, is the cool "survival pack," which is not to be confused with a "go bag" for emergencies like floods, hurricanes, or other sundry disasters which could separate you from your smartphone.
The type of survival kit, which we call the "Armageddon Pack," should only contain cheap useless equipment that can be stored in a closet for several years or until the World gets blown up by a comet. In which case, you'll be too far gone to worry about the money wasted on the pack and its contents.
The most important piece of equipment is a good survival knife. Since the odds of it being actually used is low, it should be a combination of cool looks and extremely low cost.
The best ones combine a scary-looking bad-ass blade with other functions such as fire starting, sharpener, saw, paracord, and game skinner.
However, those can run in the 50-300 dollar range, and I'm sure you have better things to spend your hard-earned cash on, like betting on your favorite pro sports team to cover the spread or the latest natural diet pill.
Plus, there'll be no need for a game skinner, as within a few days of the end of the World, every living animal not named Fido or Kitty will have been hunted down and grilled over an available fire. [Citation needed, Mimee the A.I. Bot notes that the population of poochies and kitties could take a hit even in civilized counties like the United States once the supply of avocados for toast and nacho chips has run out]
Professor Ivy of Shitzu U advises that "A good survival knife can be found for a few bucks in trucker gas stations that feature blades with cool plastic tigers, half-naked women or dragons in the handle which will generally open a few times before coming apart, more than good enough for an Armageddon Pack.
The next most important piece of equipment is the cheapest compass that will point within a few degrees, plus or minus, towards the North Pole.
The best ones are made of plastic and ideally are multi-purpose, like the ones that fold out to become barely functional binoculars or have a tick remover.
Professor Ivy Of Shitzu U does qualify this advice by adding, "Keep in mind that compasses aren't very useful without maps, but it can help you can find and join the stream of refugees heading north to sponge off the sensible Canadians who probably were prepared for the end of days."
A good quality emergency radio that can be charged by a small solar panel or hand crank is another essential tool for survival.
Although there'll be no power to run radio stations in a complete breakdown of society, there's always the chance that local, state or Federal Governments will be able to broadcast emergency information to let you know how screwed your situation is, if you haven't noticed by then.
You can also forgo the radio and just depend on local gossip. Bad news travels fast.
The most important piece is, of course, the pack. The problem is that a nice one tends to be useful and shouldn't be buried in a closet.
Mimee, The A.I. Bot, advises, "This type of item is best purchased at a thrift store, where there's a good selection of backpacks that people didn't think were worth keeping. A recent scouting trip to a Goodwill Store uncovered several that featured military style camo, gaudy floral arrangements, cartoon characters, anime and video game heroes, and stinky ones that people kept gym clothes in."
Recent studies have shown that picking the most stupid-looking one will guarantee that it'll stay in your closet until actually needed. Pick one with as many pockets as possible so that items like dollar store multi-tools, plastic water bottle, and first aid supplies can round out the equipment list. Be sure it's stuff you can live without for years if necessary.
The Boogie Underground Think Tank has provided you with the information to assemble the perfect Armageddon Pack.
You have the tools. How you overcome the obstacles that will arise during the cataclysmic events of Armageddon is up to you!
- Al HANDA
Here's an update on each of my Vella books:
The Quitters
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC
It's the first book, and after ten months, it's finally developing an audience, and the stats are trending upward this month. I think it's due to the blog and the new book/music video short format I'm using for its promotion. I’ve moved the plot lines away from potentially over technical descriptions of playing live to more emphasis on the personalities and in particular, the main character Nym. Also, some of the romance elements are now coming into play.
It's at 31 episodes, though as an ebook, we're talking maybe 15 traditional-length chapters. I'm keeping the format episodic and short, kind of like a weekly TV show, which works for Vella but will need to be restructured for the ebook.
I, Ivy
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D
The story got off to a decent start, but I didn't notice that as it's obvious now that the daily totals on the Vella dashboard can differ or not jibe with the monthly or overall total, which have to be accurate as those numbers determine the royalty and bonus payouts. I'll be paying more attention to this one in November, as it’s being read more than I thought. The latest chapter, Ivy’s view of the efforts by a human to give her a pill should strike a familiar chord.
The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJ2TW4P1
This is a new one, though it'll be the most familiar to blog readers. I'll be changing the format of the blog in November, and putting the Lost Gospels here will allow me to fully expand that line of humor and satire in a way that simply being a blog feature doesn't permit.
The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG
This one is a revival of an old humor column I ran in my old "Delta Snake Blues News" publication in the 90s and 2000s. The slant is about survival in the upcoming hard times, but it really will be topical and cover subjects that are offbeat but relevant. The next one coming in a few days will be "How To Shop For The Perfect Expert," which obviously will be a humorous commentary on the use of experts in general.
The Adventures Of Queen Khleopahtra: Ruler Of Egypt, Time Traveler, and Literary Detective
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7
This is another new one and will be a fun fusion of the old "Peabody and Sherman" cartoon, which was about a time-traveling dog and boy, Robert Graves' often satirical take on history, and the old "Fractured Fairy Tales" cartoon that used to be featured on the "Rocky And Bullwinkle Show."
I chose Khleopahtra as the main character because it will offer the widest range of literary situations to explore, and I happened to have a cool drawing of her and liked the idea of expanding the character. After reading the first episode, you'll agree that the possibilities are endless.
In the latest episodes, we meet Achilles and the poet Homer, who will become recurring characters!
I Can Make It To Christmas by Mark McGraw (of Handa-McGraw International). F IPlease check out and listen to Mark McGraw’s Christmas single from his album on Bandcamp,Can
