On The Road With Al and Ivy: Archive Site: On The Road With Al And Ivy: A Literary Homeless Blog

"...if you wish to know what a man really is give him power."

- Robert G. Ingersoll - 1883

The origin of "retail workers" is well documented. In 1969, a stale potato chip that people in Chicago thought was the spitting image of the Virgin Mary turned out to be a petrified slice of scalloped potato that an Internet expert dated as being from 198,7890,765 A.D. and was actually an excerpt from the Lost Gospel Of Murgatroyd, Chapter 3, paragraph 14. [Citation needed: The writer admits the "A.D." is an autocorrect error and should read "B.C." but says if not editing any work of genius was good enough for Kerouac, it's good enough for the AI bot he claims generated this blog entry. Besides, the increase in historical accuracy would be minimal even if corrected]

The excerpt relates that the great Babylonian King Hammaruby MacLaughin The Awesomely Dishy One asked the wise men of his council, "How do we create a class of people who will free us up from distractions like clothing, feeding, and providing shelter for our amateur laborers?"

Ishtar Von Strauss, a young but prodigiously talented man whose precocious intelligence marked him for early execution to eliminate competitors to Hammarubi's rule replied, "There is a new religion called 'Mash' which says pay them peanuts and let them worry about how to feed and clothe themselves."

…oh wise one…

The wise benevolent King regretfully had him barbecued on the Holy Grill for heresy against the one true faith which was himself; but never one to waste a good idea, he decreed that all amateur laborers were to be freed, and paid the lowest possible wage to continue doing the same work.

Some of the nobles fretted that this would remove a source of free labor. One Sultan named Conan Smith suggested that perhaps women could be made into a slave class, but that was seen as a redundancy to the existing order and the idea was quickly dropped.

Unfortunately so many pilgrims kissed the Holy Scalloped Potato to receive the Virgin's blessing that it disintegrated and it was assumed that The Holy Mother returned to heaven after yet another futile attempt to bring Christian values to Chicago.

Although Babylon didn't survive the onslaught by Iron Age Assyrian Warrior Jocks, the basic concept of the Retail Worker survived.

…serfs up dude…

An agricultural system was developed in the Middle Ages whereby wretched peasants who needed something to do when not being used as unpaid infantry were given a plot of land to farm and allowed to keep approximately one half of the crop and to pay 30 to 50% of the land value in taxes (or the rest of the harvest if he couldn't come up with the cash I would imagine). The serf also had to work the noble's personal land for free, accepting occasional beatings and humiliation (a custom that survives into modern times in the service sector), providing female relatives for sexual services, and cleaning out the castle privy once a week rain or shine.

It goes without saying that some nobles probably took more, though accounts of abuse and exploitation were refuted in 1822 when noted Medieval Scholar Ivydog Tremain uncovered a 1098 A D. text from the King of Siam. The translation from the ancient sanskrit reads as follows:

"Our Ever Superb and Sexy Potentiate is passionate about creating an exciting and innovative workplace for our valuable and cherished Associates. The Son of the Great Serpent Goddess Jasmintea takes any accusations of exploitation seriously and promises swift and painful retribution for those who make such specious claims about their Sovereign."

The concept of retail workers almost disappeared with the end of serfdom as land became too valuable to remain rental properties for unwashed peasants who lowered property values and compounded the problem by refusing to fight for free in sundry raids and wars without some sort of actual compensation besides the right to grow food and the occasional sacking and looting of towns.

…show me the money…

Paying people in actual goods was very expensive. Duke Prune of Laxitve in a 1024 A.D. tweet noted that feeding each foot solder cost a half-penny per day. That would be the equivalent of about a million dollars today, or just enough to buy a hamburger in New York City.

[Citation needed: writer appears to be using the standard U.S. Government algorithm for estimating the Defense Budget as seen below:

#include <stupd.h>

int main()

{

// Rip off taxpayers instruction inside quotations

int testbudgetInteger = .05

printf("Number = %d", testbudgetInteger);

return 1000000;

}

]

The noted French scholar Nostrildumo commented in a Facebook post that the one true retail worker concept was before it's time because money that was almost worthless hadn't been invented yet.

The beauty of currency is that the more you print, the less it's worth, thus increasing the size of the service sector brings down costs as the payrolls are covered by increasingly cheaper dollars. [Citation needed: The writer hasn't met the stringent Internet requirements to qualify as an online Economist which requires possession of a valid free email address and social media account. He appears to assume the dollar was a monetary standard in 1023 A.D. which at least one out of the three fact checker agencies contacted declares is possibly fake news]

…1776…

They say (not sure who "they" are, finding out would take actual research) that necessity is the birthing person of invention and the little known "Crisis Of 1776" created the crucible in which modern retail workers and other social inferiors were created.

In 1776, American merchants and rich land owners had someone who knew how to write in very nice looking cursive create what was called "The Declaration Of Independence" which became the law of the land after a brisk but victorious war with England, various Native Americans who owned land coveted for commerical development, and fellow Americans who felt that the British tax rate was preferable to the IRS.

The Second Biological Parents of the new republic then doubled down with a document called "The Constitution" which codified the basic rights of man into law. An impasse in the Continental Congress caused by objections to the statement "all men are created equal" was resolved by simply assuming that the Declaration didn't apply to anyone who wasn't considered a "men" back then, which included women, anyone of color, slaves, foreigners, Irish, prisoners of war, horse thieves, cattle rustlers, claim jumpers, poker cheaters, people trying to purchase goods with beaver pelts, anyone caught kicking in a fair fight, and any varmint who didn't own at least three firearms.

In other words, as the 1778 blogger Ivan Fogger wrote, "The restless American ethos found expression in the 'ad litteram' adaptation of the core principles of Greek Democracy which made everyone equal as long as they were muscular rich dudes of good birth." The inspiring march to total equality became a sprint by the 1970s whereby even women gained the right to mouth off about pro athletes and run up credit card bills.

…problems and solutions…

This created a dilemma: If everyone is equal, who can people look down on and abuse?

The solution was found in 2056 when The Fed suggested that since the value of the dollar was no longer tied to the gold standard and was just a piece of paper with a fiat value set by the Government, then valuations of people could be tied to the dollar which would restore it to it's rightful place as a measure of social standing.

This intricate and possibly nonsequitur monetary logic has the odor of pungent truth and explains the dynamic between a customer and retail worker which also involves the temporary granting of absolute power to the former made possible by lots of money.

…status…

This relationship has been described elsewhere in various articles but the basic idea is that a customer assumes an elevated status once he or she enters the store. The retail clerk or associate's task is to make the experience of extracting every dollar from wallets or purses as pleasant as possible. That also means that customers know that they're dealing with someone who's cognizant of the fact that any screw up or conflict can cost them their job.

Most of us are aware of this and temper any impulse to strangle or bullwhip a clerk with the realization that getting a person fired over a mistake or rudeness (possibly due to having a bad day with customers) is, at least after passions have cooled, a case of overkill.

Most of the people who assault or abuse retail or service sector workers come from a small subset of people who use the temporary power to amplify anger or sociopathy. I should note that one exception to my point about how a small subset of people uses power is the customer service field, where a very large percentage of both customers and service workers torture each other like couples do after ten years of marriage.

…Machiavelli’s The Prince…

One of the most famous dissertations about power is Machiavelli's "The Prince" which was published in 1532 (though written much earlier). It was intended as “an instruction manual for new princes and royals” as the Wiki site states, which of course makes it an ideal primer for Americans.

The author discusses the pragmatic use of power though one of many modern interpretations is that gaining and holding power can require the use of amoral or brutal means.

Machiavelli wasn't creating anything new. His book is an analysis of then current and past rulers and describes those who successfully gained and held power (plus examples of those who failed). Abridged versions can make his observations and lessons read like maxims which is misleading as many of his statements were part of detailed essays that provided context, and more importantly, nuance.

For example, his assertion that a ruler must at least maintain the appearance of being moral isn't an absolute if the full section is read. The point is that using force or immoral methods may be necessary but that a moral face should be put on it. That's a complex point and can be interpreted as a justification for hypocrisy or lying, just as the "It's nothing personal just business" phrase from Mario Puzo's Godfather book is often used to rationalize cold blooded or sociopathic acts.

…black and white…

Both authors rarely used black and white interpretations in their books (though I'm sure the experts might argue fine points). In Machiavelli's case the Prince was urged to rule justly if at all possible, and I refer readers back to my blog entry about Puzo's Godfather for a fuller discussion about the "just business" phrase.

If Machiavelli's writings distilled basic principles for using or holding power, then one related conclusion is that basic human behavior hasn't changed very much either.

...a little digression from power about witch hunting…

For example, the labels and morality may change but a witch hunter in medieval times was basically the same type of person who now tries to get this or that behavior or thought severely punished.

The issue isn't just power but the type of power. The most dangerous aspect of a witch hunt isn't the punishment but that an unsupported accusation can be enough to condemn a person if it fits a popular or enforced prejudice. These processes generally operate with the tacit or open consent of a group or population. Many people treat disagreement or nonconformity as a form of stupidity, danger to society, or evil intent and that's a fertile environment for mobs and witch hunts.

The Inquisition added the formality of a trial to add legitimacy and the tribunals were run by respected people of their day (at least publicly) and contrary to modern thought that assumes everyone is a rebel, these trials were probably regarded by the populace with the same range of attitudes you see on the Internet.

…look to the future…

When one reads the news, listens to experts on cable news going on about this or that event, or sees a social media attack, it's good to remember that there'll be a time in the distant future when others will look at what happened and not only judge the idea but also the process. That's why terms like "witch hunt," "kangaroo court," or "lynch mob" are now synonymous with oppression, bigotry and even insanity, as opposed to being what people at the time thought were acts of justice and the protection of society.

It could be argued that Machiavelli was also, as George Orwell would have put it, a power worshipper. In his era, there wasn't a lot of experience in democracy, which not even the Greeks saw it the way Americans do. He was writing more to impress and flatter his superiors to create a job opportunity than to impart the wisdom of the ages, and tended to talk about "the people" like they were a herd of sheep to be led by nobility. The book is also an affirmation of monarchies and their self-interest.

That's not to say it's a useless book in a democratic age. The various social and power structures still exist. Outside of those specific areas covered by the Constitution and laws, there is no guaranteed equality.

A CEO or manager can be as ruthless or absolute as any dictator, at least as long as he or she makes money for the company and stockholders. An athletic coach can treat any non-millionaire athlete like a peon as long as the team is winning. Even if a leader violates the law, like with harassment, it's still as difficult to get justice as it was for a commoner going up against a Duke. In most professions it's still sort of acceptable to engage in backstabbing, lying, cheating, and manipulation as long you don't get caught or turn a profit.

In other words, most morality is regulated on the honor system and that grey area is the playground of Machiavellians.

I do consider Machiavelli's The Prince to be essential reading. It may not hold any universal truths for you, but the fact that so many of the world's political and social leaders follow or appear to follow precepts from the book makes it a way to understand the world they create as it is, not as they say it is.

...and now for cat lore...

"A Roman soldier who had accidentally killed a cat was torn to pieces by the mob before the eyes of Diodorus, although the Romans were at the time masters of the country, and the reigning Ptolemy did his utmost to save the offender. For the majority of the people the cat was an incarnate god."

- Archibald Henry Sayce

(The Religions of Ancient Egypt and Babylonia 1903)

Vampire Kitty: Women And Cats - Part One

You women may be shocked to read this, but more than a few men have been known to act like entitled spoiled brats, though the reason for such feminine ignorance may be because such manly behavior has been the norm for so long that it's induced a state of psychological lobotomization or assumption of normalcy.

However, noted scholar and Professor Ivydog of Shitzu U has identified the primary spiritual bulwark against the wear and tear of toxic masculinity in her best selling self-help book, "Men Give Me A Case Of Ass," which is, of course, getting a cat.

In her uncompromising tome, Ivydog poses the question "why would women pick an animal that is hard to please, demanding and aloof when they could just get married?"

This humble writer has no satisfactory answer, and the good Professor couldn't find one either in the course of 13,456 pages complete with footnotes and illustrations. There were some good guesses though.

Note: This blog is passionate about providing a balanced view of issues, so the following review of Professor Ivydog's book is quoted here. It was written by Hiram MacCheesemo and reads as follows:

"The good professor fails to realize that pets mirror their owners. Women relate to cats because they take regular baths, prefer to poop in clean bathrooms, keep their dingies spotless, nag their owners, take care of their fur, and enjoy spas. Men prefer dogs because they slobber, eat with their mouths open, never bathe unless forced to, go to the bathroom anywhere, lick their genitals, eat anything including their night soil, sniff people's butts and feet, chase pussycats, bark at people, and lie to their wives about how much they paid for a guitar."

As you can see, there are two sides to every story.

Modern civilization is fortunate to have insight on such mysteries due to the efforts of male writers in ancient times to create speculative tracts on the nature of womynkind's connection to pussy cats and achieving this feat without asking women what they thought.

…insight…

There probably were ancient writings on the subject by women, though after translation or editing by publishers (men of course) most have also ended up concluding that feline fans are witches, demons, shamans, Jezebels, or some combination of those archetypes. [Citation needed: The writer claims that he got the background information for this essay from a Latikian Shaman who runs a website that asserts that Joan Of Arc was in fact a time traveler from Chicago who went back to save France from a fatty diet of bangers and mash and disgusting warm beer that tastes like horse pee. Our fact checkers do agree that the French dodged a bullet there]

Men have no one to blame but themselves for the female-meow tribe bond, at least to the extent that they care. They've created a body of literature that indoctrinates women from birth to expect a dishy monogamous Prince to come and take them away to a life complete with luxurious castle and unlimited credit. The odds of finding such a paragon are about the same as getting real meat in a two dollar sandwich.

…quick start instructions…

Fables and Fairy Tales serve as quick start instructions for kids to learn morality and enforce the social order. Men use such training on young females before they realize they're smarter and a lot tougher. Women use such training on children before they become teenagers who realize that they're, duuuh, smarter than everybody and a lot tougher.

One Japanese Fable, "The Vampire Cat of Nabeshima" combines a beautiful woman and a vampire cat to create the ultimate vixen, although like many parables you can read anything you like into it.

I won't go into detail about it as it's one of many stories in a public domain Kindle book (Tales Of Old Japan by Lord Redesdale) so it can be enjoyed for free without my risking giving out a spoiler. In short, the fable is about a supernatural demon cat that assumes the body of a beautiful woman and becomes a badass "Vampire" spirit who begins to oppress a nobleman. Which come to think of it, sounds like it could have been written by a woman.

…lost in translation…

It's possible that the original Japanese text described a different sort of apparition and the author, who was British, might have used the word vampire as the closest English equivalent. In his era the succubus was a terrifying damned soul that was a blood sucker who could only be stopped by the power of a crucifix, a vegan diet based on fresh garlic, sharpened chop sticks, tricking it into partying all night so the rising sun can barbecue it, or it's power attenuated by media overexposure.

Vampire stories weren't created solely to sell movie tickets, but served as a traditional way to hound people into virtue and discourage teenagers from giving each other hickies.

In modern times, most sensible vampires stay out of the spotlight to avoid social media attacks, paparazzi, and the constant crush of groupies clamoring to be made into freshly minted undead (which would create a Malthusian Theory situation where predators eat themselves into extinction, except here you’d have billions of immortal blood suckers unable to post Instagram pics of their latest meal).

Tabby symbolism covers a wider range; from deities, spirits, demons, Ninja Warriors who fight mice and spiders, and the perfect accessory pet for witches and others who are part of Team Satan. Although a cynic might suggest such pejorative imagery reflects an ingrained masculine terror of women, a more reasonable explanation is that such kitterball lore served as cautionary tales about the evil feminine powers of females until the advent of Heavy Metal lyrics in the 70s, after which men conceded that women scare the daylights out of them. [Citation needed: our fact checkers found no evidence that metal rockers fear women and that the animus stems from competition for dwindling supplies of cheap aerosol hairspray]

Keep in mind that the subject of women and cats is actually more complex than I've described and as the great Roman philosopher Ivy Shizuticus said in 123,456,789 B.C., "Ego inviously loqueris multum BS hic ad entertainment proposita."

In Part 2, I'll delve deeper into cat literature, including more on Soeseki's classic book, "I Am A Cat."

The Quitters Update - May 2022

The book is up to 20 chapters, though that's due to keeping the episodes short to prevent each from being too expensive. My preference would be for less and each to be twice as long so more detail and backstory can be added.

What I'm planning to do is end this book sometime during July with the main character heading to Southern California. Instead of making it a very long series, I'll continue Nym's adventures there into a second book and that'll allow me to extend the story into the early 80s. I haven't decided if the character will go into synth pop, new wave or power pop yet. It's been fun creating this book, so I'll just keep writing it on the fly and explore.

I'm going to compile the episodes in the first book and after revising it, put it out as an eBook. I can add a lot of material that would have added a lot of color and context to the story but slowed the pacing down in the Kindle Vella episodic format. For example, I had planned to add a running narrative about the English and New York punk scenes to the book, but left a lot of that material out. The eBook version will give the reader a fuller view of the late 70s punk movement and also more about how the Rock Establishment reacted to it.

I did integrate some of that into the episodes, but the fuller chapters struck me as being more appropriate for a full novel one can read at a more leisurely pace. I enjoy the Vella format as it's nice to essentially get paid to develop a story, but it's obvious that a serial and a discrete novel are two different types of projects. Each has it's advantages.

Hide In Plain Sight Update - May 2022

One major change is that I've decided to use the original ending that was in the early drafts. The events in my book actually ended a few weeks before Ivy passed away, and including that sad time made it necessary to rewrite the second half, or more specifically, create a new set of chapters to cover that and the aftermath. The book had to be built up to a different ending and the new chapters never felt like a good fit.

The original drafts were a bit dark, though I rarely revised the wording of the key passages. One of the things I had to deal with out there was the constant fear and fatigue from irregular sleep. That affected how I behaved and it shows in the pacing and wording of the early chapters. It’s important to keep that feel, as the later chapters are about coming to terms with the situation and the help that people on the Internet began to give me.

I struggled out there, but Ivy, a rescue dog with some issues from her past began to blossom and became quite happy and settled. She became my therapy dog and her part of the book should be a celebration of all that, and how inspirational it was.

The best tribute would be to put out the book as originally planned, where both Ivy and I found a way to survive and even find some happiness out there, as unlikely as that might seem to someone who hasn't been a homeless person.

Even the worst luck eventually changes. Unless one can shed the shame reflex, blame, depression and fear and keep oneself whole, you won't be in any condition to respond when the opportunity to get out comes along. I think the original version does a good job of showing how we managed that. Having everything in it is more like a biography, which is a different kind of book, and not my intent.

The original book was 3/4 done. That means it should be completed for sure this year and it'll feel good to finally get it out. To paraphrase Henry Miller, I want to get this book done so I can get working in the next one.

..Chapter Excerpts...

Chapter 4: Nym’s Cool World

"It's a crisp August evening in the sin section of Broadway Street. The summer crowds are gone, and the sound of cars and busses are replaced by the shrill, desperate pitches of strip joint barkers now fishing in depleted waters.

Night is the best time, there's less detail, and the world’s simpler. It's easier to be me, enjoying the feeling of knowing I’m coming back to play again.

I’m skipping the third band, and just workin' on my Punk 'tude outside the pinball parlor next door. I'm puffing on a French cig, which adds cool and helps me resist the rich smell of Phillipino food from the restaurant section of the club. My macaroni and cheese dinner with a coke chaser is starting to wear off."

Chapter 5: The Negatives: A Punk Action Movie In Real Life

"The crowd’s colliding like bumper cars, so Ross jumps and twists in the air, giving the tourists a picture of wild, chaotic energy.

It's like a modern art painting in motion! The Negatives' show has something for everyone!

I'll have to ask Ross how he manages to get so much of his tongue hanging out like that. Whenever I try, I start gagging.

The fourth song, "Planet Toe Jam" is slower, which cools down the slam dancing. They want the crowd to just stand there, which sets up what's coming next. Plus in a longer set, it helps to have a romantic number so people can slow dance if they want to."

Chapter 6: Herman Hesse's Glass Bead Game - The Punk Version

"I gotta say he looks the part of a great artist; a big burly skinhead type who named his band after a Hermann Hesse novel. He says names like "Steely Dan" from Burroughs' "Naked Lunch," are too New York for his taste. Besides, being named after a dildo is so 60s!

I took Ida to see his show last month, and after she calmed down and agreed to not press charges, described the act as "Butt Love horseplay masquerading as performance art. It's definitely not entertainment."

I told Stew what she said, and he had the comment added to the group's press kit and asked me to thank her for the great review!"

Chapter 7: Marly Tells A Punk Bedtime Story

"Marly cuts the horn, then freezes like a brave knight who's just slain a dragon, which seems odd until I realize that some tourists are taking pictures.

I subtly turn so my left side faces the cameras and pout at the ceiling. I take the goolie out of my mouth and hold it with two fingers near my chin, so the smoke curls near my face. Keeping it in your mouth makes you look like a puppy chewing on a biscuit, not very punk."

Chapter 8: Celebration At The Pup Chuck Wagon 24 Hour Hot Dog Diner

"There's no better place for a rising star to bask in new found glory than Pup Chuck Wagon, the 24 hour hot dog diner, a haven for San Franciscans who have more coolness than cash. Cheap food and everything you sit or eat on is washable!

I can afford a mustard dog, small fries and coffee if I use my bus money. It's only a half hour walk home and this night of achievement calls for a feast!"

Chapter 9: Nym's Walk Home

"How did you know I spent my bus fare?"

Jesus guy sighs, "You passed a bus stop on Stockton without stopping, I'd have given you the fare but Phil came, so I just took the next bus."

"You assumed Phil would give me fare money?"

"I ordained it, it's what I do child, besides, I can't go giving you cash every time you go broke, my wallet would be so light it'd float me back into Heaven and I'd have to do the Resurrection all over again."

End of excerpts...click link below to continue (for free of course)

https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/episode/B09PC1XQKB?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls

The Electric Fog Factory.

The Al & Ivy Homeless Literary Journal Archive:

There are earlier blog entries on the Delta Snake Review section of this site that aren't on the On The Road page:
http://deltasnake.blogspot.com