Showing posts with label Iliad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iliad. Show all posts

Friday, March 10, 2023

On The Road With Al And Ivy: A Literary Homeless Chronicle - March 2023


And every morning, perched on our stays, rows of these birds were seen; and spite of our hootings, for a long time obstinately clung to the hemp, as though they deemed our ship some drifting, uninhabited craft; a thing appointed to desolation, and therefore fit roosting-place for their homeless selves.

- Herman Melville (Moby Dick)

SOME THOUGHTS ON VAN LIFE AND NOMAD LIFE VIDEOS:

One of the topics on Tik Tok and other social media is "Van Life" and other nomad-type trips, and the contents range from helpful tips and observations to complete disconnects from reality that could only happen if the person was well financed or on a lark to become a social influencer. Many of these brief glimpses are about that kind of life when everything is going right or the kinds of obstacles that come up really are more like vacation hassles (that can seem more serious to a homeless person whose short on cash).

I won't do a formal essay; I'll just riff on the idea in general terms and not get too much into critiquing these videos and shorts. One reason is that van life is a diverse scene of which homelessness is only one subculture. That lifestyle is mainly in the recreation and travel category which really is another subject. There’s no reason to write a piece that surveys the whole scene. Plus for many of the homeless, watching a vehicle travelogue is as real as watching a Foodie cooking show or a demo of the perfectly equipped RV or Van. 

…new… 

The famous American author Jack London decided to live as a homeless person in London and write a book about it. As far as those kinds of investigations go, he probably came the closest to living that life as it was. Even so, he took the precaution of setting up a safe house, which he had to use when the effort to find shelter in bad weather failed. In other words, London had an "out." He could have  walked away at any time and, to his credit, was honest enough to state that in his book. 

The thing is, there is a huge psychological difference between being stuck there and knowing there's an out. One of my most powerful moments was realizing, "This could be my life from now on." When there's still some cash, and it's all very new, it can feel like an adventure or camping trip.

In my Vella books, On The Road With Al & Ivy: The Novel (all three), this realization will be examined in great detail. In Book 2, the character will see that he was at the same crossroad his Grandfather was at while in a concentration camp during W.W. 2; that a decision to face the present and live an unpleasant reality is the only way out of it, even if acceptance felt like surrender. In the case of the main character, that meant not neglecting the small steps that needed to be taken for survival and making he didn't hit bottom. 

The notion of “hitting bottom” is partly myth. I realized that, yes, short of death, it can always get worse. I was living in a car with my dog, but if my life descended lower into backpacking, I'd have lost Ivy and most of what I still owned. Maybe I mean that the "hitting bottom moment" is when you realize it's time to stop the slide, even if moving upwards isn't possible at first.



...time has come today...

One thing I don't see in many of the videos and shorts is the element of time and the related problems of fatigue or emotional distress that the homeless deal with. A little problem that a vacationer will deal with as an annoyance or bump in the road can feel like a disaster to people dealing with depression or mental illness.

For example, one person demonstrated an electrically heated sleeping bag and jacket, making it seem like a successful hack for sleeping in a vehicle in winter snow. As far as success, yeah, kinda, sorta, maybe...but sleeping in a vehicle even when it's only 30+ degrees is colder than you can imagine. A good sleeping bag helps, but even allowing for a heated bag or jacket, here's what can happen throughout a winter, which would be maybe two or three months, 60 to 90 days in a row.

1. Can't find a safe place to park that night. You don't dare get too comfortable.

2. Money's tight that day; you've had to choose between batteries for a heating device at today's prices, food, or gas. I'd pick batteries in a severe winter, then gas and food last. I go to bed hungry. 

3. Heating devices like these do fail. Do you have the cash to replace it that day, or is it a mail order item. Do you even have a mailbox? If not, do you know where the nearest shelter is, safe or not, as a place to retreat to? In warm weather, no big deal. We're talking about months of cold that can kill you in winter. These devices have to work every single day in weather where a few people die every year from exposure in cars if they get stranded.

4. A druggie gets pissed at you and puts a rock through one of your windows. I've seen that happen. If your insurance deductible is too high, you'll have to use precious cash to fix it ASAP in the snow. Until then, it’ll be a garbage bag or cardboard, and your car (and you) will be wet (and very cold) inside after cleaning up the mess.

Also, can you cover the motel bill if the car has to stay in the shop? 

5. Your car battery dies. No charge for a bag that uses 12V until you get a jump, run the car and waste valuable gas, and that's for a battery in good condition. If it's near it's "end of life" and doesn't hold charge well, I wouldn’t run a device off it.

The list could go on. Having lived through a few winters in the Midwest, if I had to live in a car, it'd be time to head South where snow would be the least of your problems. The margin of error when the temperature goes below zero is too tiny to try 60-90 days of it. No reputable survival expert would make it seem like a simple matter of some clever hacks.

...idiots...

There's one other element that these videos don't cover; we called them "idiots," or the party pooper or toxic types that always show up and ruin everything. A common phrase out there (in the areas I was in) was, "Things were fine until the idiots showed up."

I'll give an example from my Vella book. There was a parking lot that was known to be "quiet," and store management and police would turn a blind eye to the occasional overnight Camper if they didn't make trouble. It was a good backup when things got too rowdy in the primary place I was staying. One day a large party, called "The Caravan" in my novel, arrived and set up a large, sprawling camp right up against the side of a store. Around a dozen in vehicles slept there, and maybe another dozen came and went on bikes, many of whom were young drug runners. I'm sure you get the picture.

They caused so much trouble that the lot was closed to any homeless within a few days, and Private Security was hired to patrol and question anyone in the lot after dark. That group hit every place where the homeless stayed, and within a month, people like me had to head for another city. It wasn't just groups; it could be individuals who would show up and pull crazy stunts that the group there couldn't control and would force the cops to clear out the area. Unfortunately, nomadic life and homeless videos don't generally cover this subject for various reasons, some of those being common sense to avoid retaliation.

It's not just a homeless thing; most groups, bars, or events see this type of personality at some time or another. You may not hear about idiots in the videos, but they're there, and macho warrior ass-kicking or confronting them often doesn't work (just like in respectable life).

...getting back...

Getting back to the general subject of nomadic life, it was a way of life for most Native American tribes, migrants, settlers, hobos, and mountain men. In 2016, the homeless scene in the four main areas I inhabited wasn't just meth heads in tents pitched on the sidewalks. The scene encompassed a variety of types; RV, Van, campers, cars, to different subcultures of "backpackers" (homeless who lived out in the open, which included those who had their belongings in shopping carts).

I avoided tent cities and large camps. Those places are basically anarchies ridden with crime and often run by cliques. Plus, those can harbor bike chop shops and other illegal activities, bringing trouble.

...classes...

There were economic strata. Most of the RV'ers were retirees or had some regular income. Van, Camper, or car homeless generally had at least an irregular source of cash, and many had jobs in retail which wasn't enough to get a roof over your head in Silicon Valley. If anyone in a vehicle was a heavy drug user, it was only a matter of time before they dropped into the backpacker life.

The Backpackers were generally people hitting the end of the line, many having had a vehicle in the beginning. Some groups were ad-hoc gatherings of runaways or drug users, mainly young. If they didn't end up trafficked, they often moved on with other runaways heading north to the Pacific Northwest or south to Southern California, returned home, or entered the penal system.

Drug use wasn't a universal trip in every area. Many used it; many didn't. Those you see in homeless stories in the media are the ones who can't move away from a camera, and not all are stoned. If nobody else, at least the ones running bike chop shops in a tent city are generally straight. I went the full 13 months without taking a drink or using. It wasn't hard, because even at my lowest points, I could see what catastrophic damage meth could inflict and more to the point, it was apparent that walking around drunk or stoned was a hazardous thing to do out there.

... R.V...

Even RV'ers with fixed incomes didn't have it easy. The older vehicles could break down and be stuck for days. Some groups would have a guy who could fix the common problems, but one couple I knew had to sell theirs off and go back to living in a car when a breakdown was too expensive to fix. 

…Walmart…

As far as these Van Life videos, it reminds me of the time when the media did a stupid thing without regard for who it hurt. Not all, of course, but more than a few.

Several years ago, a story came out where Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas mentioned that he loved to travel by R.V. across the county and stay in Walmart Parking lots to save on motel bills. Countless media outlets eagerly passed on this tip, and soon afterward, cities began passing ordinances forbidding overnight camping in Walmart (and other) lots. 

This unofficial refuge had been an open secret among travelers and homeless who followed an unspoken and occasionally documented etiquette to only stay one night. Still, after the publicity, five thousand places to sleep overnight were essentially shut down, and overnight camping was criminalized in those places. Even in 2016, many businesses would try to turn a blind eye to the practice, but the now larger crowds included people who set up bbq grills, stayed until kicked out and dumped their sewage on the pavement as a screw-you to store management. Those are all things I saw out there.

...media attention...

Same with media stories on homeless camps. As a general rule, when we heard or saw such stories, that was the signal to avoid the area, as it was only a matter of time before the crackdown came. These Van Life, videos and media stories are going to happen. Tens of thousands of tents on L.A. streets can't be ignored by the media, and some good can come of social media shorts and news stories, but watching someone in a well-equipped van demonstrate hiding in a parking lot that forbids it doesn't teach much. It’s advice on how to break the law, and following it in the wrong place or time might be just a speed bump for a traveler, but for a homeless person, any legal trouble can seriously disrupt his or her life.

Many of those videos aren't in places I've been in where the vehicle could get jacked or broken into. There were at least two attempts to break into my car that I knew of, for example, in relatively safe areas.

...first hack...

The first hack I'd demonstrate if you want to live in a van for a year is how to make it look like such a piece of crap that no one would think it has anything valuable in it. The problem then would be that some might think you're a low-level dealer, and the cops would start paying attention, as would druggies who'd think you were carrying.

If you have the cash, the advice to camp in national parks is viable. However, in California, for example, most nice campsites with good facilities are nearly as expensive as motels. There was one that was very cheap but so dusty and hot that dirt bikers were mainly the ones who used it, and the descriptions of the place at night by other homeless scared me off.

...considering...

Don't just watch the videos if you want to consider Van Life. Also, get the scoop from those who tried it for a long period and either quit or will tell you the hard truth about the upside and downsides. I did 13 months out there. By the last month, I was at the end of my rope, though it might have been different if I'd ensured I was in an R.V. or Camper right from the start. However, I didn't want to stay on the road and decided never to invest in any more comfortable arrangement that could make me feel settled down. Nomadic life might be viable and worth a try, but if you do, be like Jack London and ensure there's an exit back to regular life. Otherwise, it can be a hard road back.



One final note: You may have noticed that I never give specific advice. Info from a video that's even just weeks old can be very wrong.

One good example is a short that showed a good way to park in lots that don't allow overnight camping. The problem no matter how clever the tips are, as a general rule, store management, and employees do know you're out there. Especially if others have taken similar advice and several vans and campers now are parked there with you. If an R.V. arrives to join in the fun, forget it, that's like a huge banner that will draw attention from management. Even if it doesn't stay, it'll be spotted and watched along with the other cars. 

Always assume that the influencer on video isn't the only one on that street or lot.

…camouflage…

The worst tip was immediately covering the windows to allow one to keep inside lights on and not be spotted. The idea was that it'd blend into the darkness. However, most lots are now well-lit as a safety measure, and a vehicle with covered windows will be seen and immediately flagged as a camper. Plus, for safety, you should park in lit areas and near cameras if possible, not in dark corners.

There's also a myopic view here. The influencer was focused on evading management and staff, which is wrong. Most staff aren’t obsessing about the homeless; they're busy running a business. Most of the time, you'll be flagged by a passerby or customer who'll bring it up to the manager or call the police.

Plus, if there's Security, they may not bother you but will note in their report they saw a probable homeless person in the lot, with description, time, and license plate number. Virtually all Security forces keep reports, and if there's an assault, car break-in, or robbery in that lot, the police will check those reports to see if any suspicious people were there. 

So you could end up a suspect or witness. Again, for a traveler passing through, not a huge deal. For a transient, there’s a reason why it could be a serious matter to be a witness. You can guess why.

In another place, like a hospital parking lot (which I’ve seen recommended), covering all of the windows is very dangerous as you'll lose situational awareness, as those places have a higher incidence of assault and rape due to nurses walking back to their cars at all hours. Security generally escort nurses out and will spot a covered vehicle. If you're male, you can become a suspect in the wrong place at the wrong time. If female, you'll be a convenient alternative for a rapist if no nurses are in the lot. That’s not just a scare story. I was in Security for six years when I was younger, and knew guys who worked at hospitals, and it’s a good idea to avoid using those lots to sleep in.

My point is, don't take these videos' tips and hacks at face value. Their success on camera could be sheer luck; believe me, areas where the homeless congregate can be wildly different in culture and level of safety, both of which can change instantly.

There's the old advice not to believe everything you see on the Internet. That's true for Van Life videos.



LOST IN TRANSLATION: WHY CLASSIC BOOKS CAN SEEM BORING


Suppose you published a book, and the readers demanded that it be rewritten to be more funny, sexy, or "authentic." Add to that if readers felt the work failed to capture the true flavor of the era or situation and referred people to a fan fiction version of your book that was supposedly better.


That would strike most authors as outrageous, right? However, that happens all the time with translated classics, though in a slightly different way.


I recall checking out the reviews for a particular classic and saw that people would claim that this or that translation was the best. For example, one person claimed that none of the versions was perfect, but the one by an Englishman did the best to capture the satiric intent. Another felt that a more modern edition was more readable and more faithful to the original author's intent. The book was Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes, and personally, I've never particularly liked the book. However, the version by Tobias Smollett came the closest to being likable (for me). One reason is that I enjoyed his original novels, which were hilarious if you liked 17th Century humor.


I also admit that my view is skewed from watching the Mister McGoo cartoon version as a child.


When perusing translations, it can feel like reading different books, particularly with the Iliad. Due to the difficulty in interpreting ancient Greek, a translator can create a non-literal interpretation due to elements like different grammatical rules or cultural bias. I could describe how the Iliad has been translated, but the best way to illustrate the point would be to show some examples. So I picked several versions and will show you how the different opening paragraphs of Homer's work look. These excerpts say the same thing but with varying approaches to interpreting the original Greek.


Iliad Translations (in no particular order):


"Achilles' wrath, to Greece the direful spring Of woes unnumber'd, heavenly goddess, sing! That wrath which hurl'd to Pluto's gloomy reign The souls of mighty chiefs untimely slain;


- Alexander Pope (1715 trans.)


"Of Peleus' son, Achilles, sing, O Muse, The vengeance, deep and deadly; whence to Greece Unnumbered ills arose; which many a soul Of mighty warriors to the viewless shades Untimely sent;


- Edward Earl of Derby (1864 trans.)


"Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures,"


- Samuel Butler


"Sing, goddess, the anger of Peleus' son Achilleus and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Achaians, hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades strong souls of heroes, but gave their bodies to be the delicate feasting of dogs, of all birds,"


- Richmond Lattimore (1951)


"Sing, Ο goddess, the destructive wrath of Achilles, son of Peleus, which brought countless woes upon the Greeks, and hurled many valiant souls of heroes down to Hades, and made themselves a prey to dogs and to all birds [but the will of Jove was being accomplished],"


- Theodore Alois Buckley (1873)


"Sing, MOUNTAIN GODDESS, sing through me That anger which most ruinously Inflamed Achilles, Peleus' son, And which, before the tale was done, Had glutted Hell with champions—bold, Stern spirits by the thousandfold; Ravens and dogs their corpses ate."


- Robert Graves (The Anger Of Achilles 1959)


"Alpha the prayer of Chryses sings: The army's plague: the strife of kings. Achilles' baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that impos'd Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls los'd. From breasts heroic; sent them far to that invisible cave That no light comforts; and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave;"


- George Chapman (1598)


"Anger be now your song, immortal one,

Akhilleus' anger, doomed and ruinous,

that caused the Akhaians loss on bitter loss

and crowded brave souls into the undergloom,

leaving so many dead men—carrion

for dogs and birds;"


- Robert Fitzgerald (1974)


"AN ANGRY MAN—THERE IS MY STORY: THE BITTER RANCOUR of Achillês, prince of the house of Peleus, which brought a thousand troubles upon the Achaian host. Many a strong soul it sent down to Hadês, and left the heroes themselves a prey to dogs and carrion birds,"


- W.H.D. Rouse (1938)


"Rage-Goddess sing the rage of Peleus' son Achilles, murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses, hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls, great fighters' souls, but made their bodies carrion, feasts for dogs and birds,"


- Robert Fagles (1990)


"I Thée beseech, O Goddesse milde, the hatefull hate to plaine,

Whereby Achilles was so wroong, and grewe in suche disdaine,

That thousandes of the Gréekish Dukes, in hard and heauie plight,

To Plutoes Courte did yéelde their soules, and gaping lay vpright,

Those sencelesse trunckes of burial voide, by them erst gaily borne,

By rauening curres, and carreine foules, in péeces to be torne.”


- Arthur Hall (1581)


 "Anger--sing, goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that accursed anger, which brought the Greeks endless sufferings and sent the mighty sould of many warriors to Hades, leaving their bodies as carrion for the dogs and a feast for the birds;"


E.V. Rieu (1950)


As you can see, these excerpts say the same thing, but most writers can tell that most of these aren't literal translations but phrases that the translator felt expressed Homer's intent in modern English. Those who aren't used to reading classics might even think these guys are writing a new story but making sure the essential plot points are covered, which is probably true.


For example, Pope's version isn't literal, but he intended to change Homer's verses into modern poetry (for his era). Rieu intended to create a prose version as he felt it'd be more accessible to readers. Graves wanted to capture what he felt was the way the story was told back then, which was as a satire. Some of the writers reinterpreted an earlier translation, and so on.


Generally, if I find that a particular classic seems dry or (gasp) boring, my first step is to see if another translation is available. Many classics that started as non-English literature are only as good as the translator, and that can mean that one is looking for one that pleases you just as much as being true to the original author's work.


I had that problem with the Odyssey or the Tale Of Ullyses as some know it, in finding the various versions a bit dry or dull. Many people prefer it to the Iliad as the complex story appeals to modern readers. It might have struck a different chord if the story was more like Graves' assertion that the translations are bowdlerized from earlier, very rowdy folk versions.


It's plausible that the Odyssey was originally a ribald tale like Chaucer's work. Most people know "1001 The Arabian Nights" as a collection of fairy tales, but the translation by Sir Richard Burton (the explorer, not the actor) is a saucy, erotic version that makes more sense if the woman was telling the stories to distract the King who married women and executed them the next morning. Burton's bacchanalia, or romantic Hollywood love story, is technically a translation, and a reader can pick one or both.


One thing that can make a classic seem dull is if you see a movie version first. The stories in older literature often unfold at a slower pace, and films often stress action, insert values from a different culture, focus on stars, or do not even bother with being faithful to the book. For example, the movie "Decline And Fall Of The Roman Empire" (and "Gladiator" which had similar plot elements and characters) is only vaguely similar to the book, which was a non-fiction history book by Edward Gibbon, whose interpretation of events was in turn considered inaccurate by some critics.


One interesting situation is where the book and movie are different but excellent. "Ben Hur" by Lew Wallace is a good example. The movie version starring Charlton Heston is considered a classic, but most who've read the book find Wallace an excellent storyteller. I say "most" because there'll always be someone who won't like it.


One classic example of the book and movie having a different interpretation is "Last Of The Mohicans" by James Fenimore Cooper. The film was a hit, and I remember one review that claimed that it modernized and breathed new life into a "hoary old book." 


As someone who loves the book so much that I've always kept a copy in my library, there are a few problems with that critic's statement:


1. The real Pathfinder was an older man who had an atavistic, almost pagan view of Christianity and had constant debates with a young preacher who wasn't in the movie. Those debates were unusually philosophical for the era. The older man was a crack shot and an experienced frontiersman who was eccentrically philosophical and entertainingly feral. He was a fascinating character.


2. The two Mohicans were, in many ways, the real heroes of the book. The father was extremely smart and proficient in hand-to-hand combat, and his son, Uncas, was dynamic and heroic. His death was a significant event. The Pathfinder character in the movie was a combination of the three, particularly Uncas, and the two Native Americans were transformed into stock sidekicks like Tonto of the Lone Ranger TV show. Add a little horniness and Braveheart-like macho, and you have the movie version in a nutshell.


3. The book was also about Mohican culture's extinction, represented by Uncas' death. Cooper did fall into the trap of having good and bad Indians, which corresponded to which tribes were allied with the British or Americans. Still, many book scenes featuring detailed conversations with or within the tribes were left out. It was very much a book about Native Americans.


Of course, that's my opinion. You might feel differently about the book and movie. However, the difference in interpretation between the movie and book examples isn't unlike the process of translation of classics. The English version can result from many factors, including the translator's command of the foreign language, what they think is the author's intent, any bias (like inserting a Christian view), how literal it should be, and the agenda.


The agenda is an essential factor. For example, the book and movie about "Spartacus," the Gladiator who led a rebellion against Rome, portrays him as a sensitive, monogamous Freedom Fighter who fought against the tyranny of Rome. The intent was to create a good versus evil tale. But, like most ancient wars, the real battle was probably brutal, as Spartacus must have understood what would happen if he lost. 


My point is that's how Spartacus was portrayed in the 60s. I'm sure the tale was told differently in that era. If one sees how the perception of Native Americans evolved from barbarians to human beings, the different attitudes in each stage would be a bias that could affect the translation of any tribal stories or philosophies.


So, if that classic book you're reading seems a little dull, it may not be the original author's fault. But, on the other hand, don't get me started on Balzac or Tolstoy; I'm not sure any translation will make me want to read those books. Sometimes, you're just not going to like the author.




ON THE ROAD WITH AL & IVY: THE NOVEL


Reprint of Episode 2: Police Manhunt And A Visit From A God


Eleven-Thirty Saturday Night

Your face presses down on dirty wood,

dodging hot lead skimming over the dance floor

very sudden like,

A lead slug can show you quick

if the preacher's right on questions

you don't want answered right now,

One scared young dude

caught in bad company

in a juke joint full of souls running drunk.

- Manuscript Excerpt from Jook (June 1986)

Gleemon Street is lit up like grand opening night at a used car lot. The levee fence looks like an eerie grey screen with a black curtain behind it. No flood light can pierce the darkness behind it.

Another patrol car skids to a stop at the edge of the grass area surrounding the entrance. The cop is there to close it off as an escape route.

There are only two ways to go. If you're camped out on the West Bank of the Slough, then there's a dirt road heading west towards the orchards that run along the bank further down. If you're on the east bank side next to the fence, it's foolish to try and go down a 20-foot slope to cross the creek bed in the dark, so you head south and cut right at the fork towards the water pump station next to Highway 152 a half mile away.

You can hop the fence into a large cabbage field that borders the next shopping center, but the cops know this and already have a car stationed there. There's no point in coming back out. If you stay in the dark, you can move faster than the police can search.

My night vision returns along with a regular pulse; it wasn't me they were looking for. There are over a dozen police cars now. Some are in the adjacent parking lot with officers on foot searching with shotguns. Others are about a hundred yards off near the access gate, sealing off the main levee road entrance. I see flashlight beams moving south into the Slough, some stopping as they begin to come across the camps.

It's a manhunt, probably another armed robbery downtown. The police will try to herd the fugitive back into the parking lots or farm fields further south. Leaving isn't a bright idea. There'd just be more cops and lights in my face, each one having to decide whether to search me or shoot. If they're looking for a suspect on foot, then I'm safer parked between two police cars than driving off and possibly running into an armed dude who needs an escape vehicle.

The search continues for half an hour. Finally, I decide it's a good time to move into the North parking lot of the store but see that several other homeless have already done so. Too many, including one I suspect is a dealer, so I head over to the other side and patiently wait out the cop there that puts me under surveillance.

There's no point in moving about; I'll keep running into police screens. The best thing to do is just act like the homeless person I am, so the window shades go up, and sure enough, that's routine looking enough to satisfy the cop, who then drives off. Only a homeless person would sack out in the middle of a dragnet.

I can't stay here. This lot section is a transit route for the druggies who come out to begin the early morning ice or ecstasy ritual of whooping and hollering, throwing off clothes, and getting into arguments with truckers and third-shift store employees out collecting carts.

As I begin to leave, a tall young-looking homeless guy comes through a break in the fence line, known around here as the south gate, walking towards me and mouthing some nonsensical words. I don't stare or do anything that could be interpreted as aggression.

The angry ones are easy to avoid, you can hear them coming, and they're already pissed off at something else. The ones that just stare and smile scare me; they're still looking for trouble. I watch as he saunters away, taking off his shirt, throwing it on a small tree, and singing some song at the top of his lungs. Molly's got his blood boiling, and he'll keep stripping until the cops pick him up.

I return to Gleemon Street and see that the squad cars are gone, so I park in the same place. I don't have a better plan anyway. Besides, after all the excitement, the area should be quiet.

I look over and see that Ivy has fallen asleep, which means no trouble. She stays wired if there's any disturbance within fifty yards. This isn't a good night to stretch out in a sleeping bag, so I curl up in the front seat and stare at the old cloth canopy starting to come down like a big brown bubble.

After a few months in the car, I've begun to hear voices, like a conference call with God, Ivy, and others speaking in and out of turn. I don't get disturbed hearing them, I've talked to myself often enough to know which one is me, but God help me the day I can no longer tell. There are a lot of people like that out there on the levee.

I carelessly open a window to let in cool air. A tall, muscular bald guy, kinda biker-like, suddenly comes to view in front, stands off about ten feet, then shows his hands and hails me, "Hello Car," in the old Wild West Style of approaching a strange camp, begins to approach slowly. That's how a stranger tells another on the street that they mean no harm. If it was an attack, it'd have come suddenly from behind.

I silently curse; it's a rookie mistake to open a window without checking, but suddenly closing it could be seen as a sign of fear or panic. You never know how a stranger will react to that. I act nonchalant, which is a safe move as it won't trigger any defensive reaction. He's probably scared, too. Even the big bulls can get humbled right quick out here. I smile and greet him with the casual air of a fellow street urchin but don't show my hands. It's better to leave a little doubt, and that makes him hesitate and stop a few feet away.

It's just a meth head still in high gear, and now comes a ten-minute speech about how harmless he is, which is good to hear from someone who looks strong enough to twist my head off. He continues with a long monologue punctuated with broad sweeping hand gestures and, at one point, pretending to run somewhere. It sounds like he's having a good night; the verbal riffing moves along like a rock and roll anthem with a great guitar solo in the middle.

I lay back in the seat, right hand discreetly covering a metal bar and pepper spray, listening to Ivy's snoring, and gazing at the stars as he drones on and on. It's stupid to use a knife out here. If I bruise his head or hands with the baton, that's the end of it. He probably wouldn't even remember how he got it. A stab wound gets reported, and we both end up in jail.

The meth must be nice and soft because he's soaring, feeling like a benevolent God, and tonight we're under his protection. The monologue slows down, and I sense it's safe to pretend to yawn and close the window. He nods and moves on, still talking, and the night becomes quiet.

I'm drifting off, beginning to dream, regret, blame, and wish for things. I'm exhausted but prepared to drive off if I see the guy coming back. He'd be coming from the rear this time and had a good look at the car and its contents. I only average three hours of sleep a night, so staying vigilant's a struggle. Sometime during that process, sleep comes, and then it's just the dreams.

This one dream comes often enough that I remember it after waking. I'm on a stage, playing music, and there's no audience, just blackness. The band members vary over time; sometimes, friends or family, strangers, the faces change. Other times I can see an audience, but I'm alone, playing this acoustic guitar with my ear pressed to the sound hole, listening to the echo. Lately, it's been with past friends with a packed audience, all in a happy mood, but I'm standing there, indifferent to it all, and there's just silence. Finally, I walk off the stage and then wake up, and for the rest of the day, the music that usually runs through my head is absent, with no desire to hear any.

A few months ago, a night like this would have made me look elsewhere for a place to sleep, but now, in the sticky hot summer of 2016, I know that this is as good a place as any, and settle down for a stay that'll last until this seam closes and it's time to scatter with the other homeless to find another crack in the wall.

END OF EPISODE

Read Episode 3


UPDATE ON ON THE ROAD WITH AL & IVY: THE ANTHOLOGY VOL. 1 (2016-2018)


I’ll be pulling this ebook off Kindle Unlimited sometime this month and will resume free distribution on other sites. The main reason, besides shifting the focus to wider readership is that this Anthology will come out as a revised version sometime this year. I’ve obtained most of the social media posts from this period and will insert edited versions into the book in chronological order. This adds the day to day observations and activities which will add continuity and many of the blog entries will make more sense in context. Also, I’ll add new commentary to make this volume feel like a chronological account of the period. Until then, it makes sense to make this version free to increase interest in the new edition.








BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE DELTA SNAKE REVIEW ON THIS SAME SITE




Here's info on each of my Vella books:




The Quitters


https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC



I, Ivy


 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D



The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde


 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJ2TW4P1



The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization


 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG


The Adventures Of Queen Khleopahtra: Ruler Of Egypt, Time Traveler, and Literary Detective


 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7


Please check out and listen to my music on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music and other music sites. Please add any cuts you like to your playlists!






Sunday, January 1, 2023

On The Road With Al And Ivy: A Literary Homeless Chronicle- Jan. 2023



“The good old days were the days, seemingly, when the critics had their way and ran things with a high hand; they made or unmade books and authors. They killed Chatterton, just as, some years later, they hastened the death of Keats. For a time they were all-powerful. It was not until the end of the eighteenth century that these professional tyrants began to lose their grip, and when Byron took up the lance against them their doom was practically sealed.”

- Eugene Field (Love Affairs Of A Bibliomaniac, 1896 - Chapter XIV)



EUGENE FIELD’S THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF A BIBLIOMANIAC, CHURCH’S ILLIAD, DISNEYLAND AND OTHER THOUGHTS:

One of my earliest childhood memories is of two visits to Disneyland. The first time we arrived early and waited in the parking lot. From the outside, it looked a lot like another amusement park that I spent a lot of time at, the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. 

Once we entered, it was noticeably different. The model for the Boardwalk was Coney Island, but here the intent was to create a place where the sights and atmosphere were part of a strange and wonderful fantasyland where a small child could see all the movies and characters come to life. 

Disneyland was like a play with actors and stage props, except that you could ride or live in the scenes.

My favorite was the Nautilus, where one experienced a simulation of the submarine featured in one of my favorite movies, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. The giant squid was the obvious highlight.

The early 60s was an innocent era. We were given a booklet of tickets and let loose, and the park was small enough that we could track down our parents if needed.

I never went back. When asked why, my reply was that some memories are best kept like photographs in an album. After reading about all of the new technological wonders and sights, I was impressed but felt that some experiences don't get better just because things get bigger or awe-inspiring.

Part of that is because the Disney experience at the time was a perfect combination of entertainment and living a fantasy. Watching the toy soldiers march about after seeing the movie Babes In Toyland was a different childhood experience.

It was the same for Las Vegas when I got older. I saw it when it was just like in the movie Casino with Robert De Niro, and I preferred that it be my last image of the city. The place certainly got bigger and better, but not classic.

Keep in mind that I'm talking about my own experience, and it's not a judgment about others.

Another entertainment and fantasy world combination is children's books, which ideally stimulate the imagination and for fun.



In his book "The Love Affairs Of A Bibliomaniac, " Eugene Field describes his first love, a book called "The New England Primer." Reading it became a profound entrance into the world of books and held a special spot in his memory.

I had a similar experience in the fourth grade. I loved books by then and had several favorites, but the one that became an obsession was Alfred Church's Iliad (and Odyssey) for young children.

Throughout that school year, I checked it out, renewed it up to the limit, and repeated the cycle repeatedly. It wasn't a popular book, my name was the only one on the library card, and the one time it wasn't there (which smacked of conspiracy) was because it was misplaced. No one would have noticed except I came in every lunch hour asking if it had been found yet.

During that time, I discovered other great characters like Sur-dah, the lion. Still, that year, I just wanted to enjoy that exciting world with the doomed warrior Achilles and the quick-witted Goddess Athena.



Achilles was an interesting psychological character; a man who knew his fate, which was a short life full of glory and ending as a great warrior whose fame would last forever. Only Alexander The Great was more famous. It was a life his mother chose, and his feelings about it were probably quite complex.

That's stuff I didn't know in fourth grade. What fascinated me was that the Gods and Goddesses seemed like humans but with magical powers, and if they liked you, it was like having a Guardian Angel. Having a powerful friend to protect you was a big deal for a kid.

Also, the book depicted a world that seemed more exciting than school, which had necessary but boring routines, and passing tests weren't the same as great deeds by warriors and Gods.

I won't claim that there was a deep purpose in my love of that book or that it helped form a fundamental part of my personality.

Later in life, I found a copy and bought it, but it was clear that it no longer had the same effect. It didn't ruin anything or disappoint, but perhaps as an adult, one moves on to other worlds and realities.

This is why I never visited Disneyland again; there's the part of life that needs exploration and change and some memories that are worth keeping to show that magic happens from time to time.

I stopped trying to find other old children's books for that reason. There's one I mention in my novel, a book about a kid and a dragon who have an adventure in a place full of tangerine trees. Because the main character's imagination has made that fantasy even richer, he has no desire to seek out the book and read it again.

The reason is that the story did what a good book should do, stimulate imagination, and often, the reader will realize that he or she has created a personal version of that world, and it's as real and alive as anything in this world except that you now own it and can live in it anytime. 

It's similar to the effect music can have; sometimes, it's best not to try to explain it. Sometimes there are books that should be revisited, and others to send you on your way to explore the world they helped create.

- Al Handa 
  January 2023




SPECIAL PREVIEW: EXCERPT FROM “JOOK” TO BE PUBLISHED FALL 2023:

I’ve made references in past blog entries to “Jook,” which was started in the 1980s, in my novel as the WIP the main character was working in just prior to becoming homeless. It’s not strictly a epic poem or cycle, there’ll be prose sections that range from conventional narrative to poetic passages. The image above is from William Blake’s illustrated works, which was a big influence on Jook. Many writers like Thackeray and in modern times, Tom Wolfe often did their own illustrations and a work that featured my drawings and graphics appealed to me. I chose Jook to do this as it seemed the most suitable.

The preview is the poem “Elmore James,” and the layout is similar in feel to the actual way it’ll look. I’m holding back the original back until the Fall when the entire work will be published. Take a look and see what you think.






ANTIQUAMANIA BY KENNETH ROBERTS (1928)

It's fitting that one of my rarest books is a first edition copy of Kenneth Roberts' "Antiquemania," a satire on antique collecting written under the pseudonym Professor Milton Kilgallen in 1928 in collaboration with the then famous Authors Booth Tarkington and Joseph Hergesheimer.

Kenneth Roberts' most famous books were Arundel, Rabble In Arms, Oliver Wiswell, and Northwest Passage (later made into a movie starring Spencer Tracy, Robert Young, and a young Walter Brennan).

It's an edited compilation of essays from 1924 on the subject and three authors thinly disguised as fictional characters with a passion for collecting vintage items.

The Internet has made the vintage market into a huge industry, but the passion, appreciation, and occasional instances of foolishness and greed haven't changed, and neither have the reasons people will buy old stuff (which admittedly include yours truly).

I could make a decent sum of money in the early eBay era by combing through bargain bins at book and record stores, often selling my finds for up to 50.00 to 100.00 dollars. That was during a small window of around six months.

After that, everybody was Ebaying, including store staff who'd hold back items to sell. The final sign was seeing people with mobile phones stuck to their ears while checking the shelves and bins. So I got out while the going was good and was satisfied with the vintage instruments I blew my profits on.

I didn't want to continue collecting and selling vintage items after that. I had a regular day job, so the money wasn't the point, and while capitalism is as valid a reason as any to hunt vintage, going to garage sales at 5 am and trying to beat the pack to rare items (at least those left on the floor by staff or owners) isn't the kind of antiquing that appealed to me.

In my mind, you want the item at a great price. There were instruments in my collection worth a lot more than I paid, and it never occurred to me to sell those. Looking for a bargain was about having more treasures for the money.

I don't have many instruments anymore and don't have the resources to buy a lot. There's an old 60s acoustic I found at a pawn shop for 125.00 that is worth up to 900.00, but that valuation only adds to my pleasure, if that makes sense.

Also, as musicians know, each instrument sounds different, and selling the guitar for 900.00 wouldn't necessarily get me another guitar that sounds as good. Newer, but not always better.

As a vintage nut, I prefer mojo and the aura of time. It's an aesthetic as opposed to a standard of quality. My 1902 pocket edition of Last Of The Mohicans is more enjoyable to read than a modern version or eBook. I frankly couldn't tell you why; it just is.

In Kenneth Roberts' book, the three protagonists embark on an expedition of discovery that yields priceless treasures and stretches their patience to the breaking point with endless arguments over the actual value of the finds and respective levels of competence in the collecting field.

It's common knowledge that most of the items in an antique store were bought by the owner at a price that's drastically less than its market value. For example, in used records, the average price was around twenty-five to fifty percent of the sale value of the disc, and in some cases, a lot less if it was destined to be a lower price or bargain bin item.

In other words, there's plenty of room for negotiation (though not as much as in jewelry at a chain store), and many of the comic moments are descriptions of the often brutal haggling. Most of the passionate antics are, of course, by the three buyers who occasionally find themselves in competition for the same item to the smug satisfaction of the antique dealer.

One funny passage has one of the collectors and the dealer acting like they could care less if a deal is made until the former suddenly caves and agrees to the outrageously high price. It's a masterpiece of psychological drama.

Kenneth Roberts' Antiquemania is the older style of satire, which either lampooned the rich and powerful or, in this case, poked a little fun at human foibles but had a warm tone and a liking for the subject. 

That's a subtlety that's all too often missing in modern satire, which is often weaponized to attack or denigrate on the Internet and political conflicts. Satire at its best is a response to power and privilege, not a blunt stick that hits everyone. Again, that's a fine point but a valid one.

This book has never been reprinted and thus has become the thing the author loved so much, a rare old treasure worth hunting down if you love antiques.

Even better, to paraphrase Eugene Fields, I found a great rare book and got it cheap. That made it a pleasure I could afford. Profit isn't everything, even in America.

- Al Handa 
  January 2023



CROWN OF INFINITY BY JOHN M. FAUCETTE (1968 ACE BOOKS)

The first time I read John M. Faucette's "Crown Of Infinity" was in my teens, and it was a case of a book finding me. It still finds its way into my reading list from time to time.

A friend of the family gave us a box of paperback books, which included a large number of the now classic Ace Double pulp science fiction books that featured covers on both sides. The one that caught my attention was Crown Of Infinity, which had a colorful graphic of an epic battle between spaceships. 

There's the old saying that you can't judge a book by its cover, but the spectacular illustration by Kelly Freas drew me in, and I spent an afternoon reading it.

I'll describe a bit of the story as the book isn't easy to find, and it's the kind of pulp Sci-fi book that isn't seen around much these days. I could be wrong; I don't keep track of that sort of thing.

It's a story about a race called the Star Kings, who The Masters decisively defeated. They realized that the Masters were too powerful and decided on a long-term survival strategy until their evolution made victory possible.

They sent out pairs, a male and female, out in every direction, and each capsule buried itself inside various planets, the more distant and obscure, the better, and waited.

The Masters found out and tirelessly hunted the capsules down, but enough were missed that there were plenty of survivors who eventually developed abilities and technologies to challenge their sworn enemy for ascendency.

What amazed me about the story was the time frame, which unfolded over millions of years. The narrative covered this by describing incidents and people at various stages of the, for lack of a better word, quest.

There was one person, for example, who the computers predicted would be a failure but had to try to execute a mission anyway, knowing that it was part of a much larger process. Yet his failure also sowed the seeds for a more significant development that would ultimately put the Star Kings in a position to succeed. That's an ancient theme, with Achilles of the Iliad who lived knowing his time was short.

Faucette's novel can be found on the Internet as a vintage paperback, so I'll avoid giving more information to avoid spoilers.

There are two things about the book that are noteworthy in 2023. One is that the heroes aren't pure "Alpha" types waving light swords or casting spells. The key to survival is a group mentality, and like insects or other species seen as prey, sheer numbers can defeat an attempt to eradicate them.

The other is that it's old school sci-fi, where the various technologies and awareness came out of a writer's imagination and not necessarily an attempt to predict what was possible. That last point is splitting fine hair, but there is a difference between speculating and being prophetic.

My opinion is that the science fiction genre changed a lot in the 60s due to dystopian writers like Phillip K. Dick and later with the emergence of the "High Tech Novel" pioneered by Tom Clancy and others, which featured tech-based stories that emphasized realism.

That's not to say it all changed, as science fiction has become a multitude of subgenres that range from fantasy to attempts to predict future technology. All of which is good, of course.

I was an avid reader of the early High Tech genre, particularly the works of Tom Clancy and Dale Brown, though admittedly drifting off after it got too technical (in my mind).

Phillip K. Dick is also high on my list, though not to the point of reading everything he's ever written. His "Solar Lottery" is one of the most astute depictions of how humans treat luck as ability and fate. It's the most relevant book that describes how Western societies tend to function.

I preferred Crown Of Infinity to Star Wars, for example, and though both are enjoyable, the scope of Faucette's work is fascinating, and the battle scenes read better than the pyrotechnic visuals of the latter.

Probably the same reason I liked Star Trek better, the more cerebral works are more satisfying (to me).

But why choose? Enjoy them all and decide. In my case, I recommend finding Crown Of Infinity (at a reasonable price) and enjoying a story created out of pure imagination and the events on a timeline not constricted by the time limit of a movie.

- Al Handa 
   January 2023




 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7


Special Free Episode 2: Queen Khleo Meets The Legendary Achilles


Once my feet touch the ground, the spell ends, and I'm no longer floating about like the foxy Queen that I am.

I'm in front of Achilles' tent, but don't enter. Like me, he's royalty, King of the Myrmidons, and I can only come in after being announced.

I wait five seconds, which is longer than a gorgeous Queen should have to wait, then scream, "Achilles! Are you fuckin' in there! It's Khleo!"

A slender young man with long blond hair comes to the entrance; my guess is that it's his best bud Patroclus.

He looks at me for a moment, then asks, "Khleo, are you the Trojan prostitute he sent for?"

I peer at him using my Egyptian Snake Eye expression, casting a spell Bastet taught me that makes men feel like everything they say is wrong. As expected, he wilts before my regal presence.

"I am Queen Khleopahtra of Egypt, Daughter of Cat Goddess Bastet and King Moheeto Of Maersbarre, and I have come to see the great warrior and King, Achilles."

A deep basso-profundo voice that sounded just a little sarcastic rang out from inside the tent, "Pat, please see her High-nass in."

We enter, and I'm immediately knocked on my ass by the smell of sweat and stinky feet. Well, I guess after nine years of war, the dudes are going to get a bit ripe.

Achilles takes a good look at me, then, with a sheepish grin, gets up from his chair and says in a polite voice, "Please forgive our rudeness; we Myrmidons are a rough, warlike tribe but do know how to respect others of royal rank. As far as Pat's crack about the prostitute, I put him up to it. My apologies, your highness."

I dipped my head slightly and continued to hold my breath. Losing battle with the smell, I'm afraid.

He steps forward and says in an even tone of voice, "I am Achilles, Son of Peleus, King Of Phthia and Nereid Thetis, one of the Goddesses of water and daughter of the Sea God Nereus."

He pauses, then his eyes seem to catch fire and bellows as if to the heavens,

"Spoiler Alert! I'm also the Greatest Greek Warrior of all time, who is going to frickin' die young in front of the Walls of Troy after that dweeb Paris, The Prince Of Troy, shoots an arrow into my unprotected heel, which that asshole Trojan Loving Almighty Super God Zeus won't let me cover with armor!"

From the shadows in the corner of the tent stepped a small, elderly man, who meekly says, "Great King, you must not anger the Gods, or they'll end your time early."

Achilles smirks, "Not even Zeus can override the fates."

He looks at me, "You may not know him," pointing at the old man, "In a later time, he'll be known as the Poet Homer whose Chronicles will make my ass famous."

I feel puzzled, "Look, I don't want to be rude but aren't you supposed to be blind?"

Homer laughs and says with a twinkle in his small beady eyes, "I'm still building my brand, but yes, my bio does say that."

"Isn't that lying?"

He shrugs, "Well, yeah, but it does add a little pizzazz to the live show if I squint and appear to play my lyre without looking."

Patroclus adds, in a loud whisper, "Don't tell King Menelaus of Sparta; we let him think he's blind. Otherwise, he'll be assigned to latrine duty or something like that."

Homer looks disgusted, "Picture a beach that men have been living on for nine years."

"I don't have to; I can smell it from here."

Achilles nodded, "It's pretty raucous."

Homer held his small hands up, "As long as we're all here, and have a royal guest; perhaps I can debut the new opening for my Iliad?"

Achilles perks up, "Sure, let 'er rip, poet dude!'

Homer looks as if he's gathering his thoughts, then chants in a melodious voice,

"Fuckin' A, Oh Sing Goddess of the righteously pissed Achilles who kicked ass upon the Achaians, hurling them all ass over tits to Hades to be munched on by ravenous dogs and birds to satisfy the will of Zeus!"

Achilles and Patroclus stood there silently for a moment. The young buddy of the Great Myrmidon King spoke first, "I like the words, man, but I think that it should be a bit more heavy and poetic."

Achilles nodded, "I think the 'Fuckin' A' at the beginning is great, it's like a great lyre riff that opens a rocking metal song, but I think the next line should talk more about my awesomely buff biceps."

Homer adds with a laugh, "The muscular arm wielding the mighty spear of Achilles!"

The two warriors giggled, then Patroclus says, "You can take that any number of different ways!"

Homer interjects, "Well, it's been nine years!"

I roll my eyes. Wow, these guys are such a bunch of jocks!

I patiently wait until the boys, I mean men, stop guffawing and ask, "Is there going to be a battle today?"

Achilles shrugs, "Actually, I don't know. When we first got here, we rumbled every day, but after the eighth year, it was getting monotonous."

Patroclus added, "Plus, the Gods keep interfering and saving their favorites from death in battle. It's getting to be like a Pro Wrestling match with all the fake fighting."

"And I should add," Achilles said, "That's pissing me off because I'm supposing to be having a short rock and roll life kicking Trojan ass, and there's that Geek-ass Paris, looking down at me from the wall, pointing to his bow and arrow and making faces at me."

I shake my head, "Shouldn't he avoid giving away the ending?"

Achilles nods, "I've talked to Athena about it; she says Zeus promises to talk to him but never does."

"Well, maybe my mom knows Athena? I could see if she could work something out or give me a spell that'll shut the guy up?"

Achilles smiles, "Hey, that'd be great if you could."

Just then, the air fills with the sound of trumpets! Looks like a battle today!

Achilles calls out to his servants, "Bring me my armor! Yeah, the one with the unprotected heel!"

He turns to me, "If you can fly, you can join the other Gods and Goddesses watching the battle, it'll be pretty crowded, but you should have a good view of the party!"

Then with a bow, he adds, "If this is 'arrow in the fucking heel day,' you'd think they'd tell me when it'll happen, then it was nice talking to you and give my regards to your mother."

Then with the mighty cry, "Cowabunga!" The two warriors leave with Homer scurrying in tow, clutching his pen and paper.

I lift one of my dainty feet, feel the breeze lift me into the air, and float out after them to watch the mighty Achilles in battle!

END OF EPISODE…




The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde

Special Free Episode 3: The Ancient Origin Of The Word “Mansplaining”


Human nature hasn't evolved much over time. What has changed is each generation develops terminology to describe behaviors that have existed since the dawn of civilization, which began once humankind no longer needed their brains to survive.

The word "mansplaining" is a relatively new word that describes a man explaining something to a woman condescendingly. It's how men have historically talked to women (and each other, actually), but after thousands of years of it, women became sick of that shit and gave it a name.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Professor Ivy of Shitzu U, the ancient origins of the term were discovered on the back of an antique Sumerian cereal box that was accidentally listed on Craiglist and purchased by the Shitzu U Archive of Super Old Stuff department.

The furry Professor was able to date the document by translating the cuneiform on the boxtop, which roughly translates to "Best enjoyed before 123,45,7895 B.C.," which she estimated was about 50 years ago. 

The revelatory document on the back of the vintage carton describes the first instance of mansplaining, which was then called "haec est satura et non gravis historia." It roughly translates to the phrase "How apex dudes talk to a social inferior whose ass they can kick."

The knowledgeable Barking Scholar does note that her translation isn't precise as some of the Sumerian words have no English equivalent, so the term "socially inferior" could also mean females or red meat eaters, depending on the pronunciation or political leaning of the speaker.

As you can see, not much has changed. Still, the practice of mansplaining back then was, as the floppy-eared scholar says, "A privilege that only the Emperor enjoyed, and such divine words from the living God was often accompanied by torture."

Moreover, the good Professor adds that it was applied equally to both men and women, though it was rare for the latter to enjoy the royal favor as most were kept locked up and out of sight until around 1962.

In the concluding summary of Ivy's Treatise, "Men Can Be Paper Trained," the following observations and conclusions were made:

On the female side, the term for a man who uses an explanation to denigrate a woman is a mansplainer.

On the male side, a selection of the numerous equivalent terms includes "Karen," B---h, nag, harridan, uppity, Jezebel, witch, catty, or Eve.

The reason that men have so many useful terms to denigrate a woman who tries to mansplain is that they've been speaking out of turn longer, and, boys being boys, language became a way to settle masculine disputes when an area to engage in fisticuffs wasn't available, or one of the parties was a scardy cat who wanted to go hide behind his mother's apron. 

In the latter case, which was painful for all good men to witness, the man with the bigger feathers or growled louder would establish domination and start rubbing it in, then with the kind heart that all apex kings of the jungle possess, would then deliver a humiliating reprimand to, as men would say, "Force the woosy to man up for his own good." 

Such is the crowning mercy of a true mansplainer!

So before 1923, the main people who mewed criticism of mansplaining were the 99.9999 percent of the male population who were physically and emotionally dominated by their betters and didn't like it any more than women did in modern times but had to put up with it unless they were willing to trade butchy blows in old fashioned trial by combat. 

Since most men were raised to take orders from superior studs, there were no complaints about this egalitarian system until women began to speak up.

The actual term mansplaining wasn't used until 19213 A.D. when men were shocked to discover that women weren't voice-activated and could indeed speak and, after being given the right to vote, had to be talked to just like any other man.

Which for females, of course, meant being mansplained, except that the Apex Rulers of Bro Culture gave all men the right to perform this act with women to provide a salve for the bruised egos that are endemic to those who are expected to take crap from their betters.

Also, the unofficial Congress of Bros in 19330 A.D. passed the "Statute Of Mansplain," which restricted women to that one word. It required terms like womanizer, selfish lover, minute rice, small penis owner, fart machine, toilet seat bandit, mama's boy, Peter Pan, butt grabber, titty hawk, one week with same socks and shorts, adulterer, and similar descriptive definitions to remain as terms of endearment and such men to be considered cute and irresistible to babes.

The U.S. Constitution and Bill Of Rights, passed in 1776 but still haven't been ratified by the Internet, specify that mansplaining is protected speech. Any woman using that label can be safely ignored by any man with real cajones, as a woman's right to be listened to is still stuck in some obscure committee in Congress, and thus, as with a tree falling the forest, it's not clear to men that the term is even spoken aloud, though accounts on Conspiracy Web Sites assert that it is part of the secret Feminine language Professor Ivy describes in her Autobiography on Kindle Vella, and the first three chapters are free across all devices.

In conclusion, Professor Ivy states in her monumental tome, "Litter Boxes Are For Sissies," that "Though the emergence of the term mansplaining has liberated women and men who can't stand up for themselves, the evil within is a voracious beast that hides and comes out to prey upon our primordial instincts and makes us eat bread with gluten and too much sugar."

[Note: I'm not sure what Ivy's last quote means. It was written by Mimee, The A.I. Blog Generator, after inputting the term "Inspiring Literary Closing Statement." I'm not sure the late Professor would know either, but it's assumed the algorithm scraped examples of her works to create the admittedly florid conclusion. Please address all questions and trolling to Mimee]

Vella Link To All Episodes:



BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE DELTA SNAKE REVIEW ON THIS SAME SITE!










Here's an update on each of my Vella books:




The Quitters


https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC


It's the first book, and after ten months, it's finally developing an audience, and the stats are trending upward this month. I think it's due to the blog and the new book/music video short format I'm using for its promotion. I’ve moved the plot lines away from potentially over technical descriptions of playing live to more emphasis on the personalities and in particular, the main character Nym. Also, some of the romance elements are now coming into play.


It's at 31 episodes, though as an ebook, we're talking maybe 15 traditional-length chapters. I'm keeping the format episodic and short, kind of like a weekly TV show, which works for Vella but will need to be restructured for the ebook.




I, Ivy


 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D


The story got off to a decent start, but I didn't notice that as it's obvious now that the daily totals on the Vella dashboard can differ or not jibe with the monthly or overall total, which have to be accurate as those numbers determine the royalty and bonus payouts. I'll be paying more attention to this one in November, as it’s being read more than I thought. The latest chapter, Ivy’s view of the efforts by a human to give her a pill should strike a familiar chord.


This is a new one, though it'll be the most familiar to blog readers. I'll be changing the format of the blog in November, and putting the Lost Gospels here will allow me to fully expand that line of humor and satire in a way that simply being a blog feature doesn't permit.




The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization


 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG


This one is a revival of an old humor column I ran in my old "Delta Snake Blues News" publication in the 90s and 2000s. The slant is about survival in the upcoming hard times, but it really will be topical and cover subjects that are offbeat but relevant. The next one coming in a few days will be "How To Shop For The Perfect Expert," which obviously will be a humorous commentary on the use of experts in general.



The ebook “On The Road With Al & Ivy: The Anthology Volume 1 2016-2018 is now on Kindle Unlimited!

I’ll run free promotions later this month, but members can read it for free now.


Please check out and listen to my music on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music and other music sites. Please add any cuts you like to your playlists!