On The Road With Al And Ivy: A Literary Homeless Chronicle - March 2023

- Al HANDA

deltasnake@yahoo.com

And every morning, perched on our stays, rows of these birds were seen; and spite of our hootings, for a long time obstinately clung to the hemp, as though they deemed our ship some drifting, uninhabited craft; a thing appointed to desolation, and therefore fit roosting-place for their homeless selves.

- Herman Melville (Moby Dick)

SOME THOUGHTS ON VAN LIFE AND NOMAD LIFE VIDEOS:

One of the topics on Tik Tok and other social media is "Van Life" and other nomad-type trips, and the contents range from helpful tips and observations to complete disconnects from reality that could only happen if the person was well financed or on a lark to become a social influencer. Many of these brief glimpses are about that kind of life when everything is going right or the kinds of obstacles that come up really are more like vacation hassles (that can seem more serious to a homeless person whose short on cash).

I won't do a formal essay; I'll just riff on the idea in general terms and not get too much into critiquing these videos and shorts. One reason is that van life is a diverse scene of which homelessness is only one subculture. That lifestyle is mainly in the recreation and travel category which really is another subject. There’s no reason to write a piece that surveys the whole scene. Plus for many of the homeless, watching a vehicle travelogue is as real as watching a Foodie cooking show or a demo of the perfectly equipped RV or Van. 

…new… 

The famous American author Jack London decided to live as a homeless person in London and write a book about it. As far as those kinds of investigations go, he probably came the closest to living that life as it was. Even so, he took the precaution of setting up a safe house, which he had to use when the effort to find shelter in bad weather failed. In other words, London had an "out." He could have  walked away at any time and, to his credit, was honest enough to state that in his book. 

The thing is, there is a huge psychological difference between being stuck there and knowing there's an out. One of my most powerful moments was realizing, "This could be my life from now on." When there's still some cash, and it's all very new, it can feel like an adventure or camping trip.

In my Vella books, On The Road With Al & Ivy: The Novel (all three), this realization will be examined in great detail. In Book 2, the character will see that he was at the same crossroad his Grandfather was at while in a concentration camp during W.W. 2; that a decision to face the present and live an unpleasant reality is the only way out of it, even if acceptance felt like surrender. In the case of the main character, that meant not neglecting the small steps that needed to be taken for survival and making he didn't hit bottom. 

The notion of “hitting bottom” is partly myth. I realized that, yes, short of death, it can always get worse. I was living in a car with my dog, but if my life descended lower into backpacking, I'd have lost Ivy and most of what I still owned. Maybe I mean that the "hitting bottom moment" is when you realize it's time to stop the slide, even if moving upwards isn't possible at first.

...time has come today...

One thing I don't see in many of the videos and shorts is the element of time and the related problems of fatigue or emotional distress that the homeless deal with. A little problem that a vacationer will deal with as an annoyance or bump in the road can feel like a disaster to people dealing with depression or mental illness.

For example, one person demonstrated an electrically heated sleeping bag and jacket, making it seem like a successful hack for sleeping in a vehicle in winter snow. As far as success, yeah, kinda, sorta, maybe...but sleeping in a vehicle even when it's only 30+ degrees is colder than you can imagine. A good sleeping bag helps, but even allowing for a heated bag or jacket, here's what can happen throughout a winter, which would be maybe two or three months, 60 to 90 days in a row.

1. Can't find a safe place to park that night. You don't dare get too comfortable.

2. Money's tight that day; you've had to choose between batteries for a heating device at today's prices, food, or gas. I'd pick batteries in a severe winter, then gas and food last. I go to bed hungry. 

3. Heating devices like these do fail. Do you have the cash to replace it that day, or is it a mail order item. Do you even have a mailbox? If not, do you know where the nearest shelter is, safe or not, as a place to retreat to? In warm weather, no big deal. We're talking about months of cold that can kill you in winter. These devices have to work every single day in weather where a few people die every year from exposure in cars if they get stranded.

4. A druggie gets pissed at you and puts a rock through one of your windows. I've seen that happen. If your insurance deductible is too high, you'll have to use precious cash to fix it ASAP in the snow. Until then, it’ll be a garbage bag or cardboard, and your car (and you) will be wet (and very cold) inside after cleaning up the mess.

Also, can you cover the motel bill if the car has to stay in the shop? 

5. Your car battery dies. No charge for a bag that uses 12V until you get a jump, run the car and waste valuable gas, and that's for a battery in good condition. If it's near it's "end of life" and doesn't hold charge well, I wouldn’t run a device off it.

The list could go on. Having lived through a few winters in the Midwest, if I had to live in a car, it'd be time to head South where snow would be the least of your problems. The margin of error when the temperature goes below zero is too tiny to try 60-90 days of it. No reputable survival expert would make it seem like a simple matter of some clever hacks.

...idiots...

There's one other element that these videos don't cover; we called them "idiots," or the party pooper or toxic types that always show up and ruin everything. A common phrase out there (in the areas I was in) was, "Things were fine until the idiots showed up."

I'll give an example from my Vella book. There was a parking lot that was known to be "quiet," and store management and police would turn a blind eye to the occasional overnight Camper if they didn't make trouble. It was a good backup when things got too rowdy in the primary place I was staying. One day a large party, called "The Caravan" in my novel, arrived and set up a large, sprawling camp right up against the side of a store. Around a dozen in vehicles slept there, and maybe another dozen came and went on bikes, many of whom were young drug runners. I'm sure you get the picture.

They caused so much trouble that the lot was closed to any homeless within a few days, and Private Security was hired to patrol and question anyone in the lot after dark. That group hit every place where the homeless stayed, and within a month, people like me had to head for another city. It wasn't just groups; it could be individuals who would show up and pull crazy stunts that the group there couldn't control and would force the cops to clear out the area. Unfortunately, nomadic life and homeless videos don't generally cover this subject for various reasons, some of those being common sense to avoid retaliation.

It's not just a homeless thing; most groups, bars, or events see this type of personality at some time or another. You may not hear about idiots in the videos, but they're there, and macho warrior ass-kicking or confronting them often doesn't work (just like in respectable life).

...getting back...

Getting back to the general subject of nomadic life, it was a way of life for most Native American tribes, migrants, settlers, hobos, and mountain men. In 2016, the homeless scene in the four main areas I inhabited wasn't just meth heads in tents pitched on the sidewalks. The scene encompassed a variety of types; RV, Van, campers, cars, to different subcultures of "backpackers" (homeless who lived out in the open, which included those who had their belongings in shopping carts).

I avoided tent cities and large camps. Those places are basically anarchies ridden with crime and often run by cliques. Plus, those can harbor bike chop shops and other illegal activities, bringing trouble.

...classes...

There were economic strata. Most of the RV'ers were retirees or had some regular income. Van, Camper, or car homeless generally had at least an irregular source of cash, and many had jobs in retail which wasn't enough to get a roof over your head in Silicon Valley. If anyone in a vehicle was a heavy drug user, it was only a matter of time before they dropped into the backpacker life.

The Backpackers were generally people hitting the end of the line, many having had a vehicle in the beginning. Some groups were ad-hoc gatherings of runaways or drug users, mainly young. If they didn't end up trafficked, they often moved on with other runaways heading north to the Pacific Northwest or south to Southern California, returned home, or entered the penal system.

Drug use wasn't a universal trip in every area. Many used it; many didn't. Those you see in homeless stories in the media are the ones who can't move away from a camera, and not all are stoned. If nobody else, at least the ones running bike chop shops in a tent city are generally straight. I went the full 13 months without taking a drink or using. It wasn't hard, because even at my lowest points, I could see what catastrophic damage meth could inflict and more to the point, it was apparent that walking around drunk or stoned was a hazardous thing to do out there.

... R.V...

Even RV'ers with fixed incomes didn't have it easy. The older vehicles could break down and be stuck for days. Some groups would have a guy who could fix the common problems, but one couple I knew had to sell theirs off and go back to living in a car when a breakdown was too expensive to fix. 

…Walmart…

As far as these Van Life videos, it reminds me of the time when the media did a stupid thing without regard for who it hurt. Not all, of course, but more than a few.

Several years ago, a story came out where Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas mentioned that he loved to travel by R.V. across the county and stay in Walmart Parking lots to save on motel bills. Countless media outlets eagerly passed on this tip, and soon afterward, cities began passing ordinances forbidding overnight camping in Walmart (and other) lots. 

This unofficial refuge had been an open secret among travelers and homeless who followed an unspoken and occasionally documented etiquette to only stay one night. Still, after the publicity, five thousand places to sleep overnight were essentially shut down, and overnight camping was criminalized in those places. Even in 2016, many businesses would try to turn a blind eye to the practice, but the now larger crowds included people who set up bbq grills, stayed until kicked out and dumped their sewage on the pavement as a screw-you to store management. Those are all things I saw out there.

...media attention...

Same with media stories on homeless camps. As a general rule, when we heard or saw such stories, that was the signal to avoid the area, as it was only a matter of time before the crackdown came. These Van Life, videos and media stories are going to happen. Tens of thousands of tents on L.A. streets can't be ignored by the media, and some good can come of social media shorts and news stories, but watching someone in a well-equipped van demonstrate hiding in a parking lot that forbids it doesn't teach much. It’s advice on how to break the law, and following it in the wrong place or time might be just a speed bump for a traveler, but for a homeless person, any legal trouble can seriously disrupt his or her life.

Many of those videos aren't in places I've been in where the vehicle could get jacked or broken into. There were at least two attempts to break into my car that I knew of, for example, in relatively safe areas.

...first hack...

The first hack I'd demonstrate if you want to live in a van for a year is how to make it look like such a piece of crap that no one would think it has anything valuable in it. The problem then would be that some might think you're a low-level dealer, and the cops would start paying attention, as would druggies who'd think you were carrying.

If you have the cash, the advice to camp in national parks is viable. However, in California, for example, most nice campsites with good facilities are nearly as expensive as motels. There was one that was very cheap but so dusty and hot that dirt bikers were mainly the ones who used it, and the descriptions of the place at night by other homeless scared me off.

...considering...

Don't just watch the videos if you want to consider Van Life. Also, get the scoop from those who tried it for a long period and either quit or will tell you the hard truth about the upside and downsides. I did 13 months out there. By the last month, I was at the end of my rope, though it might have been different if I'd ensured I was in an R.V. or Camper right from the start. However, I didn't want to stay on the road and decided never to invest in any more comfortable arrangement that could make me feel settled down. Nomadic life might be viable and worth a try, but if you do, be like Jack London and ensure there's an exit back to regular life. Otherwise, it can be a hard road back.

One final note: You may have noticed that I never give specific advice. Info from a video that's even just weeks old can be very wrong.

One good example is a short that showed a good way to park in lots that don't allow overnight camping. The problem no matter how clever the tips are, as a general rule, store management, and employees do know you're out there. Especially if others have taken similar advice and several vans and campers now are parked there with you. If an R.V. arrives to join in the fun, forget it, that's like a huge banner that will draw attention from management. Even if it doesn't stay, it'll be spotted and watched along with the other cars. 

Always assume that the influencer on video isn't the only one on that street or lot.

…camouflage…

The worst tip was immediately covering the windows to allow one to keep inside lights on and not be spotted. The idea was that it'd blend into the darkness. However, most lots are now well-lit as a safety measure, and a vehicle with covered windows will be seen and immediately flagged as a camper. Plus, for safety, you should park in lit areas and near cameras if possible, not in dark corners.

There's also a myopic view here. The influencer was focused on evading management and staff, which is wrong. Most staff aren’t obsessing about the homeless; they're busy running a business. Most of the time, you'll be flagged by a passerby or customer who'll bring it up to the manager or call the police.

Plus, if there's Security, they may not bother you but will note in their report they saw a probable homeless person in the lot, with description, time, and license plate number. Virtually all Security forces keep reports, and if there's an assault, car break-in, or robbery in that lot, the police will check those reports to see if any suspicious people were there. 

So you could end up a suspect or witness. Again, for a traveler passing through, not a huge deal. For a transient, there’s a reason why it could be a serious matter to be a witness. You can guess why.

In another place, like a hospital parking lot (which I’ve seen recommended), covering all of the windows is very dangerous as you'll lose situational awareness, as those places have a higher incidence of assault and rape due to nurses walking back to their cars at all hours. Security generally escort nurses out and will spot a covered vehicle. If you're male, you can become a suspect in the wrong place at the wrong time. If female, you'll be a convenient alternative for a rapist if no nurses are in the lot. That’s not just a scare story. I was in Security for six years when I was younger, and knew guys who worked at hospitals, and it’s a good idea to avoid using those lots to sleep in.

My point is, don't take these videos' tips and hacks at face value. Their success on camera could be sheer luck; believe me, areas where the homeless congregate can be wildly different in culture and level of safety, both of which can change instantly.

There's the old advice not to believe everything you see on the Internet. That's true for Van Life videos.

LOST IN TRANSLATION: WHY CLASSIC BOOKS CAN SEEM BORING

Suppose you published a book, and the readers demanded that it be rewritten to be more funny, sexy, or "authentic." Add to that if readers felt the work failed to capture the true flavor of the era or situation and referred people to a fan fiction version of your book that was supposedly better.

That would strike most authors as outrageous, right? However, that happens all the time with translated classics, though in a slightly different way.

I recall checking out the reviews for a particular classic and saw that people would claim that this or that translation was the best. For example, one person claimed that none of the versions was perfect, but the one by an Englishman did the best to capture the satiric intent. Another felt that a more modern edition was more readable and more faithful to the original author's intent. The book was Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes, and personally, I've never particularly liked the book. However, the version by Tobias Smollett came the closest to being likable (for me). One reason is that I enjoyed his original novels, which were hilarious if you liked 17th Century humor.

I also admit that my view is skewed from watching the Mister McGoo cartoon version as a child.

When perusing translations, it can feel like reading different books, particularly with the Iliad. Due to the difficulty in interpreting ancient Greek, a translator can create a non-literal interpretation due to elements like different grammatical rules or cultural bias. I could describe how the Iliad has been translated, but the best way to illustrate the point would be to show some examples. So I picked several versions and will show you how the different opening paragraphs of Homer's work look. These excerpts say the same thing but with varying approaches to interpreting the original Greek.

Iliad Translations (in no particular order):

"Achilles' wrath, to Greece the direful spring Of woes unnumber'd, heavenly goddess, sing! That wrath which hurl'd to Pluto's gloomy reign The souls of mighty chiefs untimely slain;

- Alexander Pope (1715 trans.)

"Of Peleus' son, Achilles, sing, O Muse, The vengeance, deep and deadly; whence to Greece Unnumbered ills arose; which many a soul Of mighty warriors to the viewless shades Untimely sent;

- Edward Earl of Derby (1864 trans.)

"Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures,"

- Samuel Butler

"Sing, goddess, the anger of Peleus' son Achilleus and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Achaians, hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades strong souls of heroes, but gave their bodies to be the delicate feasting of dogs, of all birds,"

- Richmond Lattimore (1951)

"Sing, Ο goddess, the destructive wrath of Achilles, son of Peleus, which brought countless woes upon the Greeks, and hurled many valiant souls of heroes down to Hades, and made themselves a prey to dogs and to all birds [but the will of Jove was being accomplished],"

- Theodore Alois Buckley (1873)

"Sing, MOUNTAIN GODDESS, sing through me That anger which most ruinously Inflamed Achilles, Peleus' son, And which, before the tale was done, Had glutted Hell with champions—bold, Stern spirits by the thousandfold; Ravens and dogs their corpses ate."

- Robert Graves (The Anger Of Achilles 1959)

"Alpha the prayer of Chryses sings: The army's plague: the strife of kings. Achilles' baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that impos'd Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls los'd. From breasts heroic; sent them far to that invisible cave That no light comforts; and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave;"

- George Chapman (1598)

"Anger be now your song, immortal one,

Akhilleus' anger, doomed and ruinous,

that caused the Akhaians loss on bitter loss

and crowded brave souls into the undergloom,

leaving so many dead men—carrion

for dogs and birds;"

- Robert Fitzgerald (1974)

"AN ANGRY MAN—THERE IS MY STORY: THE BITTER RANCOUR of Achillês, prince of the house of Peleus, which brought a thousand troubles upon the Achaian host. Many a strong soul it sent down to Hadês, and left the heroes themselves a prey to dogs and carrion birds,"

- W.H.D. Rouse (1938)

"Rage-Goddess sing the rage of Peleus' son Achilles, murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses, hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls, great fighters' souls, but made their bodies carrion, feasts for dogs and birds,"

- Robert Fagles (1990)

"I Thée beseech, O Goddesse milde, the hatefull hate to plaine,

Whereby Achilles was so wroong, and grewe in suche disdaine,

That thousandes of the Gréekish Dukes, in hard and heauie plight,

To Plutoes Courte did yéelde their soules, and gaping lay vpright,

Those sencelesse trunckes of burial voide, by them erst gaily borne,

By rauening curres, and carreine foules, in péeces to be torne.”

- Arthur Hall (1581)

 "Anger--sing, goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that accursed anger, which brought the Greeks endless sufferings and sent the mighty sould of many warriors to Hades, leaving their bodies as carrion for the dogs and a feast for the birds;"

E.V. Rieu (1950)

As you can see, these excerpts say the same thing, but most writers can tell that most of these aren't literal translations but phrases that the translator felt expressed Homer's intent in modern English. Those who aren't used to reading classics might even think these guys are writing a new story but making sure the essential plot points are covered, which is probably true.

For example, Pope's version isn't literal, but he intended to change Homer's verses into modern poetry (for his era). Rieu intended to create a prose version as he felt it'd be more accessible to readers. Graves wanted to capture what he felt was the way the story was told back then, which was as a satire. Some of the writers reinterpreted an earlier translation, and so on.

Generally, if I find that a particular classic seems dry or (gasp) boring, my first step is to see if another translation is available. Many classics that started as non-English literature are only as good as the translator, and that can mean that one is looking for one that pleases you just as much as being true to the original author's work.

I had that problem with the Odyssey or the Tale Of Ullyses as some know it, in finding the various versions a bit dry or dull. Many people prefer it to the Iliad as the complex story appeals to modern readers. It might have struck a different chord if the story was more like Graves' assertion that the translations are bowdlerized from earlier, very rowdy folk versions.

It's plausible that the Odyssey was originally a ribald tale like Chaucer's work. Most people know "1001 The Arabian Nights" as a collection of fairy tales, but the translation by Sir Richard Burton (the explorer, not the actor) is a saucy, erotic version that makes more sense if the woman was telling the stories to distract the King who married women and executed them the next morning. Burton's bacchanalia, or romantic Hollywood love story, is technically a translation, and a reader can pick one or both.

One thing that can make a classic seem dull is if you see a movie version first. The stories in older literature often unfold at a slower pace, and films often stress action, insert values from a different culture, focus on stars, or do not even bother with being faithful to the book. For example, the movie "Decline And Fall Of The Roman Empire" (and "Gladiator" which had similar plot elements and characters) is only vaguely similar to the book, which was a non-fiction history book by Edward Gibbon, whose interpretation of events was in turn considered inaccurate by some critics.

One interesting situation is where the book and movie are different but excellent. "Ben Hur" by Lew Wallace is a good example. The movie version starring Charlton Heston is considered a classic, but most who've read the book find Wallace an excellent storyteller. I say "most" because there'll always be someone who won't like it.

One classic example of the book and movie having a different interpretation is "Last Of The Mohicans" by James Fenimore Cooper. The film was a hit, and I remember one review that claimed that it modernized and breathed new life into a "hoary old book." 

As someone who loves the book so much that I've always kept a copy in my library, there are a few problems with that critic's statement:

1. The real Pathfinder was an older man who had an atavistic, almost pagan view of Christianity and had constant debates with a young preacher who wasn't in the movie. Those debates were unusually philosophical for the era. The older man was a crack shot and an experienced frontiersman who was eccentrically philosophical and entertainingly feral. He was a fascinating character.

2. The two Mohicans were, in many ways, the real heroes of the book. The father was extremely smart and proficient in hand-to-hand combat, and his son, Uncas, was dynamic and heroic. His death was a significant event. The Pathfinder character in the movie was a combination of the three, particularly Uncas, and the two Native Americans were transformed into stock sidekicks like Tonto of the Lone Ranger TV show. Add a little horniness and Braveheart-like macho, and you have the movie version in a nutshell.

3. The book was also about Mohican culture's extinction, represented by Uncas' death. Cooper did fall into the trap of having good and bad Indians, which corresponded to which tribes were allied with the British or Americans. Still, many book scenes featuring detailed conversations with or within the tribes were left out. It was very much a book about Native Americans.

Of course, that's my opinion. You might feel differently about the book and movie. However, the difference in interpretation between the movie and book examples isn't unlike the process of translation of classics. The English version can result from many factors, including the translator's command of the foreign language, what they think is the author's intent, any bias (like inserting a Christian view), how literal it should be, and the agenda.

The agenda is an essential factor. For example, the book and movie about "Spartacus," the Gladiator who led a rebellion against Rome, portrays him as a sensitive, monogamous Freedom Fighter who fought against the tyranny of Rome. The intent was to create a good versus evil tale. But, like most ancient wars, the real battle was probably brutal, as Spartacus must have understood what would happen if he lost. 

My point is that's how Spartacus was portrayed in the 60s. I'm sure the tale was told differently in that era. If one sees how the perception of Native Americans evolved from barbarians to human beings, the different attitudes in each stage would be a bias that could affect the translation of any tribal stories or philosophies.

So, if that classic book you're reading seems a little dull, it may not be the original author's fault. But, on the other hand, don't get me started on Balzac or Tolstoy; I'm not sure any translation will make me want to read those books. Sometimes, you're just not going to like the author.

Now live on Kindle Unlimited 

Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FGWKK19K

UPDATE ON ON THE ROAD WITH AL & IVY: THE ANTHOLOGY VOL. 1 (2016-2018)

I’ll be pulling this ebook off Kindle Unlimited sometime this month and will resume free distribution on other sites. The main reason, besides shifting the focus to wider readership is that this Anthology will come out as a revised version sometime this year. I’ve obtained most of the social media posts from this period and will insert edited versions into the book in chronological order. This adds the day to day observations and activities which will add continuity and many of the blog entries will make more sense in context. Also, I’ll add new commentary to make this volume feel like a chronological account of the period. Until then, it makes sense to make this version free to increase interest in the new edition.

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE DELTA SNAKE REVIEW ON THIS SAME SITE

Here's info on each of my Vella books:

The Quitters

https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC

I, Ivy

 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D

The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde

 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJ2TW4P1

The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization

 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG

The Adventures Of Queen Khleopahtra: Ruler Of Egypt, Time Traveler, and Literary Detective

 https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7

Please check out and listen to my music on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music and other music sites. Please add any cuts you like to your playlists!

On The Road With Al And Ivy: A Literary Homeless Chronicle - Nov. 2022

"Please understand that a Homeric song is sung to the lyre, and therefore intended for entertainment, no more and no less."

- Robert Graves (Homer's Daughter)

Finding good music used to be a simple matter; you liked who or what the media told you to like (and buy). 

The power to make or break an artist or record was jealously guarded by gatekeepers because with payola, the promotion business could be as profitable as a casino.

The internet gave a voice to millions of people whose opinions and tastes had been muted by gateways such as letters to the editor sections or radio request lines (which waited till somebody asked for a number on the playlist.

The social networks (and Google) have created a situation that's turned many media outlets into clickbait farms or Amazon partners working on commission. To be fair, the media still has some power.

These new networks aren't to blame. The labels and movie studios want to reach actual customers, and while getting the occasional wretched ranking on Rotten Tomatoes can be a death sentence, being able to know what millions of people are thinking trumps knowledgeable critics and reviews every time.

Besides, those whose products get panned on social networks still can pay the media to invigorate efforts to sell that flopped. There are still plenty of crumbs that fall off the table to be had.

...indie labels...

One alternative that gave music outsiders a shot was indie labels which the industry always welcomes. It brings in fresh blood, and the newbies take on the expense and hassle of A&R, which allows major labels to poach proven talent and allows uncompromising artists to grow and move on greener pastures, and I mean green.

I should add, as I do in every blog, that many of the points being made are oversimplified for brevity's sake, so the countless number of exceptions are not noted.

...primary task...

The primary goal of a music article or review has never changed; it's to create engagement. If the people don't love what you do, then you settle for hate, as the entire middle ground between the extremes is the Snooze Zone.

"Nice" is for school plays and child dance recitals. The major leaguers are those who inspire worship or drive people to organize book or record burnings (not so easy in the digital media sector, thus the revival of expensive vinyl box sets).

The Critic or reporter who can inspire an audience to love a new artist's work is a rare bird. The rest have to settle for writing quickie hack articles to tap into trending subjects, create clickbait, inspire trolls to flood a site with traffic, and lure readers into pages with pop-up ads and deceptive scroll buttons that effectively utilize the successful principles of fly paper and punji stick pits.

The best way to be mediocre is to write lists of the best or worse. A Top Ten list gives the writer ten chances instead of one to inspire love or hate and hopefully retain the readers' attention for longer than five seconds.

Long articles take time to write and, like a Tik Tok video, are unlikely to be read to the end. That's energy better spent on playing video games or trolling other critics.

Music writers often write historical pieces that use recordings as references or milestones, which can lead to inaccuracies or flat-out wrong observations or conclusions.

...the first...

Thus "the first" this or that is actually "the first recorded," which is a different thing, but the point is to sell records, not memories.

The music industry is, and always has been, a business, and stretching or hiding the truth to sell a record is well within the boundaries of acceptable practice. But, like with politicians, a flashy show of virtue suffices.

Record labels generally sign established live draw artists, which means they are actually late to the party on the latest trends. Again, catching the "latest thing" in its infancy is overrated; the industry wants an audience ready to buy. 

Plus, you can always claim that the product is prescient and revolutionary in press releases. No one will fact-check that sort of claim, even if two hundred artists claim to be the Godfather of Punk.

In the spirit of innovation, here is the Top Ten List Of Musical Firsts!

Note: The items are not in any particular order. These milestones are presented in the order that occurred to me while riffing on the theme.

1. The First Jazz Improvisor

The first was some guy thousands of years ago trying to figure out how to play the melody of a folk tune that the audience requested, which they hummed out of tune to try and give him an idea of what to play.

The first recorded instance was Louis Armstrong playing with The King Oliver Band in the 20s or thereabouts. I'll have to look it up later.

In the interests of being relevant to Baby Boomers, I'll join the huge crowd of internet reviewers who credit the Beatles with the invention of jazz.

2. The Rise Of Albums As The Ultimate Form Of Music Expression.

The album format, or a related group of songs as one work, was actually common in the early classical era. The works of Bach, for example, were sets of music set to the various dances of the time and intended to be guides for musicians to improvise.

The first album in musical history was by Emile Berliner in 1889.

In the interest of being relevant to the Punk Rock demographic to promote my Vella book, The Quitters, I'll concur with the multitude of commentators who cite Ramones' debut disc as the first album in musical history.

3. The First Symphony

Joseph Haydn is the composer most often credited with creating the Symphony form. Unfortunately, the technical explanation involves a lot of arcane languages and musical mansplaining, so we'll skip it.

Britannica.com cites the first recorded symphony as Beethoven's Fifth and Sixth Symphonies in 1913. Unfortunately, there's no mention of cover art.

In the interest of retaining the attention of millennials, I launch my sailboat into the mighty river of consensus that cites Blink-182's first album as the birthplace of the classical symphony form.

4. The First Female Rock Star

Women have always been famous in pop, classical, and other forms. However, the hip-rock crowd has always been resistant to female stars.

The first female rock Star, or as old farts know the term was probably Janis Joplin or Grace Slick.

In the interest of speaking only sooth, no matter the consequences, I stand with Gen-X historians that Pink or Olivia Newton-John was the first. However, in the interests of balance, I note that a vocal segment claims that AC/DC deserves the honor.

5. The First Rock Magazine

The New York Times cited "Crawdaddy" in 1966 as the first, though Billboard was first published in 1894. As the first rockers were African American, the history is probably incomplete.

However, this blogger wishes to give a voice to the neglected males who have become alienated by the confusing diversity of music and will list Playboy Magazine as the first rock publication, with Sports Illustrated as a close second.

6. The First Music Critic 

I refer you to the earlier blog entry that definitively covers the history of critics.

However, to please those who prefer a shorter statement that gets right to the point, this blog cites that the first music critics were the Committee that ran the French Revolution and sent many people to the guillotine. 

Though no specific names come up, one has to suppose that there must have been a few musical artists among the unfortunate beheaded that, like today, deserved the ultimate punishment for making disco or banjo music.

7. First Rock Opera

The idea of combining rock and opera is an old concept. One could cite Beethoven's Ninth or Wagner's operas as the first fusions of rock-level volume and power combined with really high-pitched singing.

The first rock Opera was "S.F. Sorrow" by the English rock group Pretty Things, and later on, the Who's Tommy, whose composer was good buddies with the rock press and thus was credited as the first.

Since opera is old people's music, it's fitting to once again credit the Beatles with creating the Rock Opera that made the most money.

Honorable mention is Richard Harris' 60s hit, "MacArthur Park," though its authenticity as a rock Opera needs to be confirmed by someone who's been able to listen to the song all the way to the end.

8. The First Lame Song

No one needs to be given examples. Everyone knows of one.

I do not shrink from the difficult questions of our troubled times and amplify the growing voices that shout from the rooftops that since the Beatles were the first at everything, they created the first lame song. "When I'm Sixty-Four" comes to mind as a good example.

9. The First Heavy Metal Artist

The Godfather of Metal was probably born in medieval times and, like today's leather and spandex crowd, didn't live long after singing about Satan in front of shocked crowds and members of the Inquisition.

The first recorded metal song is thought to be Link Wray's "Rumble," though others cite Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild," which sang of 'Heavy Metal Thunder."

The term has become meaningless as with other such words like "legendary" and "Godfather Of Punk" due to overuse, so it's time to invigorate the debate by stating that Taylor Swift is the singer who recorded the first metal song with her headbanging boogie, "Style."

10. The First Punk Song

Wearing torn clothes, bad hair, and chains probably go back to ancient Rome, as the description fits those who fed to the King of Beasts in the Colosseum.

In terms of recordings, the first Punk Song is said to be "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones if you live in NYC; otherwise, everybody's got an opinion.

However, Lester Bangs,  the legendary rock critic, once said that a real punk song has to be offensive to even the hip, so he cited the music of the Carpenters as the ultimate Punk.

Though such pop music would certainly incite people to anarchy and violence, the obvious choices for the first Punk song are Jethro Tull's 'Aqualung," Elvis' "Love Me Tender," or Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man," all of which have been documented as tunes that glorified violent tendencies, immoral behavior, and in the case of the last song, induced frigidity in women born after 1980.

Afterword: This blogger acknowledges that this top ten list won't be considered definitive but is pleased that this format only requires minimal creativity and effort. 

He eagerly looks forward to enlightening readers and beefing up the word count in future blog entries with more top-ten lists.

"When I first tried to write, I had nothing to write about except a few paltry experiences which I neither understood nor appreciated. But I had no thoughts. I really didn't. I didn't even have the words with which to think. My experiences were so many meaningless pictures. But as I began to add to my knowledge and to my vocabulary, I saw something more in my experiences than mere pictures. I retained the pictures, and I found their interpretation. That was when I began to do good work..."

- Jack London (Martin Eden)

The 1942 biopic "Jack London" was a low-budget film that depicted important events in the life of one of the most popular and financially successful writers of his time.

The first hour of this 90-minute picture covers his early days as an Oyster Pirate, seaman, and gold prospector in the Yukon Gold Rush in a series of short vignettes.

One of his most exciting periods, his Yukon days, gets short shrift with a couple of short vignettes; the usual rowdy saloon scene and one where he talks to a dog about writing Call Of The Wild in a snowed-in cabin. 

Yes, we all talk to dogs, but I was expecting something a little grander.

The last half hour is the most extended segment, which documents his days as a war correspondent covering the Russo-Japanese War in 1904, where London uncovers and exposes the "Yellow Peril" and Japan's ambition to conquer the White Race.

Though later reviewers (not all, but most) have labeled it as racist and wartime propaganda, the truth is that part of the film is probably a fairly accurate portrait of the famous author who was openly racist and anti-Asian (though he did express some regret about that aspect later in life). The film wasn't seen that way in 1942 but was part of a patriotic rallying around the flag in the early days of World War 2.

What's interesting is what Hollywood didn't show, which was that London was a Socialist. But, of course, in terms of wartime propaganda, there was no reason to leave that out, as Russia was technically an ally in W.W. 2.

It's not a surprise. Hollywood films about Socialists are rare, mainly because the industry is as committed to capitalism as the 18th Century Buccaneers sailing the Spanish Main. So London's idealism is dressed up as good old American populism.

There's no point in treating the movie as an outlier or a precautionary fable about racism or injustice. There were plenty of films from the era with the same variety of negative stereotypes, and many of today's movies will probably be judged similarly fifty or a hundred years from now. 

The London film was seen at the time as a patriotic work, with the characters representing average Americans. Now it's a gallery of stereotypes and superior white males. 

Times change, and so do attitudes, sort of. Many of the groundbreaking films of the 60s, for example, have undergone reevaluation by later generations and are seen as the same old themes dressed up in relevance or whatever would inspire an audience will buy a ticket.

The idea that movies have evolved and express more enlightened attitudes is sorta maybe kinda true, though the basic archetypes haven't changed much.

I won't go into all the details about the cast or film trivia because the movie wasn't that good and only recommended if you're studying sociological attitudes in Hollywood film history or are a Jack London completist. However, it's free on some movie sites if you're interested.

There were two things about the movie that did strike me as remarkable.

One that a writer was the hero. That's pretty rare.

Secondly, the film was set in an era when aspiring to be a writer had a mystique, that many of the rough and tumble anti-intellectual tough guys in the film saw it as a higher aim.

That aura isn't as strong now, like when you read the occasional snarky remarks about indie writers in the media, which is understandable. The press used to have the power to make or break stars, and thanks to social media, many news sites have been reduced to being amplifiers and Amazon Partners trying to get people to click on ads for a small commission.

Jack London was a man of action-type stud who, both in the movie and in real life, saw writing as a way to escape the limited options that an uneducated man had and the key to the kind of life he dreamed of having. Of course, his outlook was more complicated than that; of course, everyone's is, but that's a good way to describe it.

That's why London's works were in my reading rotation out there in the car in 2016. It wasn't that his tales of survival held the key to changing my situation; it was the idea that the intellect, in his case, developed through writing, was a path to a better place or position.

His rough-and-tumble adventure stories expressed a conviction that the primary life force was atavistic and that even the strongest end up giving way to some more potent force. 

In other words, he believed that while life is a repeating cycle of birth, growth, decay, then death, being a writer gave him a way to rise above that or at least gain a little more control over destiny.

...tell it like it is...

I entered the homeless life as a former CAD Designer who believed in the Silicon Valley mythos and the power of music but exited as a committed writer.

The reason is that in terms of saving my sanity and self-esteem, writing wasn't just an identity. It's one of the few professions where a person can train themselves without having to go to school to be certified—very few literary legends I admire finished college.

Even the poorest person can write; thanks to the internet, there are no gatekeepers. So you can try and fail, get up and keep going and try to get better.

There are some early scenes in the movie where London is sitting in a bar full of rowdies, just writing away and observing all that's happening around him. 

That's not some theatrical device like in a musical where the musician composes a hit song in one try. The sight of people observing, learning, and writing is common in coffee houses and libraries. It's a reality, a real thing, a part of the process.

...on the road...

One of the things you'll see when reading "On The Road With Al & Ivy: Volume One Anthology" is that many of the entries are about external things and events, not just my feelings and emotions. It wasn't a case of trying to ignore or distance myself from the often dire situations I found myself in.

It was about developing the power of observation, to see what was in front of me as opposed to always relating everything to how I was feeling. That balance (or juggling act) will differ for each person and can even shift according to the situation. I can't tell you how to see things and write about them. That's up to you.

A good example in the book in January is in the early chapters. I suddenly found myself in the middle of a chaotic police dragnet. My reaction was due to a combination of experience, fighting off panic, observing what was happening, and acting accordingly. It's not a stretch to say that good writing habits of observation and perception helped.

...the true situation...

By the time the blog became about my true situation (after a period of denial where I had pretended it was an adventure), I had looked over my options, and while continuing due diligence on job finding, etc., decided that while writing probably wouldn't lead to economic salvation, it certainly held the key to surviving the homeless life with my sanity and self-esteem intact. 

I don't pretend in the novel that writing was a golden ticket out or that it produced a miracle in the classic sense of the word. It did save my life, self-esteem, and sanity.

When I wrote about my real life, the blog readership increased dramatically. I was used to having a total yearly audience of around 170,000 for my earlier ePinion.com instrument reviews. The blog hit that number in just a few months.

Moreover, the blog readers gave me enough donations to keep my car running, eat decent food and cover some critical bills. That was an indirect result of choosing the writer's path but as cherished and valued as any payment from a publisher.

...the path...

Choosing a writing path is also a discipline. Staying an observer kept my attention on the world around me. It became apparent that some of the romantic or mythical ways of surviving on the streets, like becoming a criminal or drug user, would complete the destruction of my life, just as Jack London decided as a young man not to continue being an Oyster Pirate.

For example, adhering to a discipline meant never trying meth, drinking booze, or accepting even a single toke from a joint offered by fellow homeless. There were times I was tempted, of course, but I saw to know where it'd get you.

That's not a moral statement. I understood the appeal of crime or drug use out there and rarely judged it (except for trafficking).

It was a realistic view; if you observed the surroundings, it was obvious that we were under constant scrutiny. Those guys offering me a hit of a joint were under parking lot cameras, and more than a few passersby would call the cops on any visible drug use by the homeless. 

There was also visible and undercover surveillance from cops and citizen vigilantes.

... decisions...

I had to decide what to write about based on the situation at the time. Citizen crusaders called the cops on me a couple of times in one city. An arrest would have seriously hindered my goal of "getting out," but luckily, both times, the police took the trouble to question me and determined that the accusations were false. 

I decided not to document those incidents out of respect for the police there, as they had a reputation as a reasonable and fair force with the homeless. They couldn't ignore a complaint.

Plus, it was a good idea to avoid confrontation with the "respectable" vigilantes, one of whom was obviously mentally ill and willing to engage in physical harassment.

The battles remained part of a private war that didn't make the papers or the blog but will be in my novel (as it's a work of fiction, and I can change the identity of the parties involved).

Who this or that person is or was isn't essential; deeper truths about behavior and society are best addressed in a novel (things that can't be literally described in a nonfiction book for legal reasons).

...bigger issues...

Being a writer helps you understand the bigger issues. For example, I could see that a rough and tumble life without a higher goal led nowhere. There's an old saying that nature punishes stupidity, and it's true. Acting impulsively or without thinking almost always leads to some problems or trouble.

Seeing how street toughs often reacted to being homeless was sad and instructive. They were among the quickest to strike out, become predatory, inflict shame on themselves, or if with a female, become parasitic or abusive.

That is unless that energy and strength were guided by intelligence. Hollywood movies are full of street toughs who become slick predators to survive. In real life, those guys are hounded by the police, spend a lot of time in jail, and are doomed to be street lifers.

There'll be both intelligent and dumb types in the novel. There's one who led a low-level crew that trafficked everything from drugs to EBT cards and another who started off trying to be a slick con artist but was able to reverse course and choose the smart way out. 

...back to London...

I'm sure London saw the same things; Strong brawlers, adventurers, winners, and losers. But, after living with them (and admiring them), he also noticed that they were stuck in a cycle that could only spiral downwards. 

I was homeless for 13 months, long enough to see some strong people devolve into addicts and petty criminals because they couldn't see past a life that only seemed manageable with drugs or predatory behavior.

The creation and writing process might not immediately lead to success, but most of us will be helped or run across an opportunity. The state you're in when that happens is essential. You have a good chance of missing the opening life offers if stoned off your ass or in jail.

I wrote about my life as best I could and am still learning how. However, writing did the same thing for me as Jack London, a choice that led to a better life. 

...help and discipline...

My blog writing was good enough to move people to help, and the discipline kept me in a place so that when the hands reached out, I could see it and take advantage of the generosity and help. In other words, try to stay worthy of help.

I can't say that the Jack London pic was an inspiration or even a good movie, but it did remind me why London was one of the writers I admire; he was living proof that writing can save a life, and after surviving homelessness, I know he was right.

- Al Handa

   October 2022

   ontheroadwithalandiivy@yahoo.com

Now live on Kindle Unlimited 

Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FGWKK19K

The ebook “On The Road With Al & Ivy: The Anthology Volume 1 2016-2018 is now on Kindle Unlimited!

I’ll run free promotions later this month, but members can read it for free now.

Please check out and listen to my music on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music and other music sites. Please add any cuts you like to your playlists!

On The Road With Al And Ivy: A Literary Homeless Chronicle - Oct. 2022

“She is herself like an angel in revolt. On the judgment of these men, whose eyes are constantly on their superiors or staring at the floor, Jeanne expiates the crime of plain-speaking and of looking straight into the eyes of her adversaries.”

- The Trial Of Jeanne D’Arc (W.P. Barrett translation from the original Latin and French documents)

The origins of legends about witches and black cats were shrouded in mystery until 123,456 A.D. when the late Professor Ivy Of 'Shitzu U' began groundbreaking studies which unearthed heretofore suppressed Gospels from the early days of Christianity, known today by historians as "The Bro Club Age Of Enlightenment." 

"It was difficult to ascertain from historical accounts exactly when witches and black cats became besties, much less if women even existed," the Fluffy White Martyr For The Sacred Feminine stated in her 1986 book, Black Cats Are A-Holes, "Ancient historical accounts rarely mention females unless a famous dude became embroiled in a divorce, which was forbidden until Pope Grouchy McAllister III of the now defunct Middle Finger At Satan Church issued a Papal Edict in 12345 A.D. that stated, 'Divorce is now allowed as long as the sinful Jezebel is excommunicated beforehand and proper payment to the Pontiff made.'"

Imagine the shock the Good Professor experienced when discovering that witches had existed long before that term became common!

It was found that in the early dawn of the written word, in the ancient Egyptian chronicle, "To Jest Fikcja," the word to describe a female who was beautiful, smart, sassy, cute, and didn't put up with any man's shit, who naturally was Queen Khleopahtra, was accidentally changed from the "B Word" to the word "witch" by the autocorrect software at the time and the substitution of the letter W for B went unnoticed by male editors too busy looking at porn sites.

The Waggy Tailed Student Of History was able to confirm this aromatic fact by having a well-known Hacker (who chose to stay anonymous due to Federal warrants issued for his arrest) study the Egyptian autocorrect software, who confirmed that it is still in use today without changes to the algorithm and still consistently changes any term for a female to the word "witch," though "feminist man-hater" and "castrator" also appear to be common substitutions.

It goes without saying that the Shitzu Sage needed more proof!

Professor Ivy noted in her controversial book, Black Cats Created The Plague, that "The specious claim that witches and black cats team up to create evil spells and frustrate man's desire to achieve a life of casual sex and free sports cable needed to be confirmed by documentary sources written by women, who alone know what they think."

Men had given up any attempt to understand such matters after the edict by Pope Grouchy McAllister III in 567,890 A.D., which stated, "Qui quid femina cogitat!"

It took a whole ten minutes of Web surfing that was constantly interrupted by targeted pop-up ads that pitched gourmet dog food recipes and sundry chew toys, but Professor Ivy found several conspiracy theory sites that carried a multitude of conflicting versions of the infamous Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyd (now a book on Vella, first three chapters will be free) which purport to contain ancient accounts by women about the origins of the super duper friendship between witches and black kitties.

The Barking Bluestocking uncovered a monograph that escaped the torch by male inquisitors because it was written in woman code (using words longer than four letters) in an ancient Egyptian Celebrity cookbook written in 123,456 B.C. by Queen Khleopahtra called "Delicious Gluten Free Poison Recipes To Serve to Low-Down Adulterers."

The key phrase in that incendiary papyrus work was "Anī woman hǒu actſ lǒve ain man intransiciọ̄n  brandede ain witch a'd hē̆r kittī ain familiar in leaguæ with Satan."

In the Canine Pundit's 1965 work, "Cats Like To Scratch People's Feet," she loosely translates that phrase to read; "When men are off on important business like commiting adultery or fighting wars for profit, the fairer sex will be tempted spend their idle time engaging in mischievous dalliances with saucy Black Cats who are in league with Satan."

Earth-shaking words indeed!

The question remains: In spite of the fulfilling Godly pleasures of housework, doing laundry by hand, washing dishes, preparing meals from scratch, taking care of the kids, and putting up with narcissists (back then called "Knights in shining armor"), why did some women instead choose to join up with black cats to cast spells for Beezelbub?

In Chapter 14, paragraph 666 of The Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyd, the answer to that burning question was answered in the parable titled "The War Between Good And Evil," in which Pope Grouchy McAllister III engaged The Naughty Beast in a literary debate to convince women to pursue the path of virtue and unquestioning obedience to men.

The Macho Pontiff stated the case for femme subservience as "We dudes value the efforts of our female associates and strive to foster a safe and nurturing environment for servitude. The ultimate reward of Heaven awaits those of the fairer sex who put up with male promiscuity and sublimate their frustrations into expert work on the spinning wheel and kitchen craft. Needless to say, it's critical to start indoctrinating  them at an early age or else they'll act friskier than men when they hit puberty."

The Defiant Rebel Against Goodness was said to have retorted, "I promise women that they may exchange hell on earth for hell later, and until then can cavort around like dudes do, have sex any time with anybody, fly through the air, wear fashionable black clothing and boots, listen to heavy metal and Industrial Dance, eat anything you want without worrying about getting fat, and cast evil spells on any narcissistic dude who gives you crap."

The Master Of Evil added, "All I ask is that you adopt a black kitty because there's a surplus in the shelters due to men thinking they're my servants, which is true, but they're cute and deserve love as much as any dog."

Professor Ivy relates in her 1456 book, "Black Cats Fart In Your Face When You're Asleep," that "Women found the best choice was obvious, but the Sore Loser Cardinal Of Tiber issued an edict that "All women who choose to blow off the comforts of food preparation and become witches will be treated to an extreme tanning session at the stake with front row seats available for $1,000 at showtime. The church accepts cash, credit or PayPal."

The Lost Gospels relate that "These high-temperature spectacles were only mildly popular at first due to competition with the more audience-friendly wars for loot and conquest, but really took off with the roasting of the first Superstar Witch, later known as Saint Joan Of Arc, who was turned into a s'more after she proved that 90% of the followers the English claimed in France were actually fake bots and purchased followers from a corrupt Cardinal in what was known as Normandy in 456,789 A.D."

Queen Khleopahtra's Sacred Feminine cookbook provides Historians with an accurate portrait of medieval witches, who are described as "Super foxy babes who flew on winged white horses, partied all night with their black cat buddies, didn't do dishes, slept ten hours a day, binge watched Outlander, wore hot black leather outfits with green hair, and did Industrial Dance videos on social media."

However, a 1345 A.D. manual issued by the Church under Pope Grouchy, called "How To Pick Up Sinful Wenches," describes witches as "Old, stinky, toothless crones who cackled while cooking bats in big black kettles, flew around on broomsticks, and cavorted with evil black cats who pooped on people's laundry piles."

This blogger passes on the results of this exhaustive research without comment; you've been given the facts about witches and black cats, and the decision on what to believe is up to you.

- Al Handa

   October 2022

   ontheroadwithalandivy@yahoo.com

Now live on Kindle Unlimited 

Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FGWKK19K

The ebook “On The Road With Al & Ivy: The Anthology Volume 1 2016-2018 is now on Kindle Unlimited!

I’ll run free promotions later this month, but members can read it for free now.

Please check out and listen to my music on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music and other music sites. Please add any cuts you like to your playlists!