I am Khleopahtra; Queen of Egypt and Social Media Influencer with over six million followers, Daughter of the Cat Goddess Bastet, who brought me into the Heavens after an Alien encounter with the Warrior King Moheeto from the Planet Maersbarre turned sexy, Protector of Felines and Women, Scourge of spiders and mice, Regular Panel Judge in the Nile River Talent Contest, Author of Two Hundred Graphic Novels and nonfiction books, CEO of Anubis Cat Food, Victorious General of three hundred battles, Three-time MVP of The Alexandria Women's Soccer League, Expert Tarot Card Reader, Black Belt in Egyptian Kung Fu, Master of several musical instruments, Owner Of 300 cats, and Divine Priestess and Oracle of The Rahmen Temple Of Bastet where I am the custodian of the Holy Kahtneep which gives revelatory visions to those the Goddess favors.
My Kingdom dates from the time of the Leopard, during which I led the Khat warriors in over one hundred battles to unite the various tribes into what is now called Egypt.
It was after the Battle Of Pusseh, where I and my scratchy warriors routed the Barking Dogh Tribe who lived up the Nile to the north, when my Dad, King Moheeto, brought the news that my Kingdom had submitted the winning bid for the new space station and rest stop for Planet Maersbarre Airlines.
The contract specified the building of three large stone Pyramids to serve as navigation points, which the Maersbarre People would pay for if I supplied the labor.
That was easy to do as I decreed as Queen that all conquered male subjects would serve a three-year term as independent gig workers in my Memphis Construction Firm. I figured the women in those subject territories would welcome the break from servitude to men.
The Space Station and Rest Stop, which I named “Thebes 24 Hour Gas And Groceries,” became the center of a prosperous city that flowed immense riches into the royal coffers, which freed me up from the time-consuming task of conquering other countries.
Of all of the arts and skills that I mastered, my favorite was divination and the receiving of visions as Priestess of The Rahmen Temple after sniffing the Holy Kahtneep, which transported me to the ethereal world of my mom Bastet, where we would have great Mother-Daughter chats and go on gurl outings.
She sends me to distant lands and times to meet great historical and literary personages and experience historical events as those actually occurred and not as described in myths and legends.
I visit both parents separately, as they had divorced in the Fall of CalikoKhat, three cycles of the seasons ago, after King Moheeto was photographed by paparazzi leaving the bedroom of the Greek Nymph Sirens at a very late hour.
That really pissed Mom off, who made Dad's baby-making spear vanish in a puff of smoke and wouldn't give it back even after having his Air Force laser beam fishing boats on the Nile in retaliation. She eventually gave it back, much to his relief, and the two are good friends now as long as they avoid the subject of Sirens.
It was the Day of Ise, the twelfth day of the moon cycle, that I went to the temple, sniffed the khatneep, and was transported to my mom's place. She had sent a text saying that it had been arranged for me to visit the great warrior Achilles in the early days of the Trojan War, and I was anxious to hear the details!
Bastet's palace looks like this colossal papyrus box with a massive silk pillow in the center. There are several bells and ribbons hanging from the ceiling, which are a source of great amusement for her five hundred cats.
Bastet is very tall and sleek, with large ears that look like pussy willow leaves and, in between, two large green eyes with really fluffy eyelashes.
"Ah, Khleo" she exclaimed as I entered the palace, "You're just in time; the time portal has just opened!"
"Will you be coming along?"
Bastet shook her head, "Can't, I have to clean the five hundred litter boxes. I'd prefer less, but the kitties start popping on my pillow if they have to share."
I nodded. I have the same problem with my babies too.
Then she raised her arms, and all of the cats began meowing, and the room disappeared, and I could see a beach with a thousand ships that had been pulled into the shore, and I could smell the warm coastal air of the Trojan Kingdom and unfortunately, the odor of hundreds of Greek outhouses.
A less than glorious beginning to my adventure, but soon I'll be meeting the greatest Greek warrior who ever lived, the legendary Achilles!
- Al HANDA
Here's an update on each of my Vella books:
The Quitters
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC
It's the first book, and after ten months, it's finally developing an audience, and the stats are trending upward this month. I think it's due to the blog and the new book/music video short format I'm using for its promotion. I’ve moved the plot lines away from potentially over technical descriptions of playing live to more emphasis on the personalities and in particular, the main character Nym. Also, some of the romance elements are now coming into play.
It's at 31 episodes, though as an ebook, we're talking maybe 15 traditional-length chapters. I'm keeping the format episodic and short, kind of like a weekly TV show, which works for Vella but will need to be restructured for the ebook.
I, Ivy
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D
The story got off to a decent start, but I didn't notice that as it's obvious now that the daily totals on the Vella dashboard can differ or not jibe with the monthly or overall total, which have to be accurate as those numbers determine the royalty and bonus payouts. I'll be paying more attention to this one in November, as it’s being read more than I thought. The latest chapter, Ivy’s view of the efforts by a human to give her a pill should strike a familiar chord.
The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJ2TW4P1
This is a new one, though it'll be the most familiar to blog readers. I'll be changing the format of the blog in November, and putting the Lost Gospels here will allow me to fully expand that line of humor and satire in a way that simply being a blog feature doesn't permit.
The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG
This one is a revival of an old humor column I ran in my old "Delta Snake Blues News" publication in the 90s and 2000s. The slant is about survival in the upcoming hard times, but it really will be topical and cover subjects that are offbeat but relevant. The next one coming in a few days will be "How To Shop For The Perfect Expert," which obviously will be a humorous commentary on the use of experts in general.
The Adventures Of Queen Khleopahtra: Ruler Of Egypt, Time Traveler, and Literary Detective
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7
This is another new one and will be a fun fusion of the old "Peabody and Sherman" cartoon, which was about a time-traveling dog and boy, Robert Graves' often satirical take on history, and the old "Fractured Fairy Tales" cartoon that used to be featured on the "Rocky And Bullwinkle Show."
I chose Khleopahtra as the main character because it will offer the widest range of literary situations to explore, and I happened to have a cool drawing of her and liked the idea of expanding the character. After reading the first episode, you'll agree that the possibilities are endless.
In the latest episodes, we meet Achilles and the poet Homer, who will become recurring characters!
I Can Make It To Christmas by Mark McGraw (of Handa-McGraw International). F IPlease check out and listen to Mark McGraw’s Christmas single from his album on Bandcamp,Can
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