SPECIAL PREVIEW: FULL FIRST EPISODE REPRINTED FROM THE KINDLE VELLA SERIAL
In the fabled garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had to just sorta wake up all grouchy and butt hurt because, in the hectic seven days of creation, God forgot to create coffee houses.
The origins of coffee were unclear until 1923, at which time the late Professor Ivy of Shitzu U uncovered a clay fragment of Sumerian cuneiform that was mistakenly sold on eBay as a video game graphic card, which described the introduction of coffee into the world.
The cuneiform fragment, which was later identified as a page from the Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde, was indifferently translated to English by an A.I. Bot named Mimee (on loan from The Boogie Underground Blog) and reads, "After the ever-rascally Serpent tricked Eve into drinking a caramel latte and then turned Adam on to cappuccinos, God got all pissed off and put them in a car and condemned them to spend every morning driving three-hour commutes to work, but showed his most sweet mercy in creating commuter mugs that keep Morning Joe warm for four hours (cold for eight), which was countered by The Great Snakey Rebel who made sure that every public toilet on the route was out of order so that the fragrant manna with diuretic properties would be a beautiful rose with prickly thorns."
We can confirm the verity of this extremely pungent passage because of the later archeological discovery of an ancient Assyrian soda can hash pipe which had an inscription of a fragment of chapter 24, paragraph 25 of the Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde which states, "Hider intransiciọ̄n ain work ophe fictfōre-dēde dī pleasæ don'Þ takæ intransiciọ̄n aſ literal veire."
The next great step in the evolution of coffee was documented in 1960s-era coffee commercials which plagiarized ancient Arabic writings that described how coffee was first discovered and regarded as a potion or medicine administered by teenage baristas who back then were known as "physicians."
The remarkable properties of this fragrant bean created a generation of addicts who would even fake suffering from maladies to be prescribed another pour-through dose, much like oxycodone in modern times. This was very pleasing to coffee sellers shut out of the more profitable opium markets.
The next significant step occurred during the American Civil War. A mixture of ground coffee, powdered milk, and sugar was introduced as "instant coffee," which still required the drinker to either filter out the grounds or wait until the pesky particles settled to the bottom of the cup.
The Stars and Striped Yahoos, who trumpeted mucho acclaim for this scintillating innovation, overlooked one small detail; which was, as the great French Scholar Pierre Foamart pointed out, "Looks like another case of Yankee intellectual property theft, as the Turks have been making coffee that way for centuries."
The incredible American man of letters and trolling, Hiram Machinegun, after becoming aware of that sassy accusation, wrote in his 1864 blog entry, "I believe the assumption that it was an American invention was an honest mistake; the inventor probably thought he was merely stealing the idea from a woman."
The Lost Gospels in Chapter 12, paragraph 29, line 18, relates that the French introduced the next great innovation in 123,456,789 B.C., which was espresso coffee.
That super duper French philosopher and coffee critic, Pierre Foamart, stated in the same blog entry, "Espresso was the answer to how to loiter in coffee houses for long periods without having to go to the bathroom every ten minutes after drinking several cups of regular grind."
The really smart Hiram Machinegun, who was never at a loss for words, retorted, "Although Americans respected and admired the new method of squeezing more money out of a coffee house customer, it turned out to be a wash as Yankee ingenuity created the laptop computer which allowed customers to buy a single cup of coffee and hog the seat for several hours, which at current coffee prices, recovers the cost of the laptop within a month."
Further translations of the Lost Gospels, which will add more revelation regarding the evolution of man's quest to make coffee, and, indeed, to make everything more expensive, will be documented, among other vital subjects, in future chapters.
Continue to episode 2…- Al HANDA
Here's an update on each of my Vella books:
The Quitters
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC
It's the first book, and after ten months, it's finally developing an audience, and the stats are trending upward this month. I think it's due to the blog and the new book/music video short format I'm using for its promotion. I’ve moved the plot lines away from potentially over technical descriptions of playing live to more emphasis on the personalities and in particular, the main character Nym. Also, some of the romance elements are now coming into play.
It's at 31 episodes, though as an ebook, we're talking maybe 15 traditional-length chapters. I'm keeping the format episodic and short, kind of like a weekly TV show, which works for Vella but will need to be restructured for the ebook.
I, Ivy
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D
The story got off to a decent start, but I didn't notice that as it's obvious now that the daily totals on the Vella dashboard can differ or not jibe with the monthly or overall total, which have to be accurate as those numbers determine the royalty and bonus payouts. I'll be paying more attention to this one in November, as it’s being read more than I thought. The latest chapter, Ivy’s view of the efforts by a human to give her a pill should strike a familiar chord.
The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJ2TW4P1
This is a new one, though it'll be the most familiar to blog readers. I'll be changing the format of the blog in November, and putting the Lost Gospels here will allow me to fully expand that line of humor and satire in a way that simply being a blog feature doesn't permit.
The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG
This one is a revival of an old humor column I ran in my old "Delta Snake Blues News" publication in the 90s and 2000s. The slant is about survival in the upcoming hard times, but it really will be topical and cover subjects that are offbeat but relevant. The next one coming in a few days will be "How To Shop For The Perfect Expert," which obviously will be a humorous commentary on the use of experts in general.
The Adventures Of Queen Khleopahtra: Ruler Of Egypt, Time Traveler, and Literary Detective
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7
This is another new one and will be a fun fusion of the old "Peabody and Sherman" cartoon, which was about a time-traveling dog and boy, Robert Graves' often satirical take on history, and the old "Fractured Fairy Tales" cartoon that used to be featured on the "Rocky And Bullwinkle Show."
I chose Khleopahtra as the main character because it will offer the widest range of literary situations to explore, and I happened to have a cool drawing of her and liked the idea of expanding the character. After reading the first episode, you'll agree that the possibilities are endless.
In the latest episodes, we meet Achilles and the poet Homer, who will become recurring characters!
I Can Make It To Christmas by Mark McGraw (of Handa-McGraw International). F IPlease check out and listen to Mark McGraw’s Christmas single from his album on Bandcamp,Can
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