Wednesday evening at the Buhay Gardens, I'm standing off the left of the stage with the rest of the band, waiting for Marley, the promoter of the punk shows, to arrive. It's my first gig as the bass player, I had to switch over from guitar when the bassist quit last week. I'm not happy about it, but bass players are hard to find on short notice. The new guitarist, a long haired hippie guy named Jem, rehearsed with us for the first time yesterday.
Marley, a short guy who dresses like a 50s style beatnick out of North Beach, arrives and without looking to see if everyone's here, starts talking. If you want to play here, you follow his timetable.
He says, "No one knows yet what's good or bad in punk, so it doesn't matter if the crowd cheers or boos, as long as there's a strong reaction, and when your time's up, the sound crew cuts the power, so don't get cute and try to steal minutes from the next band."
He starts to jump onto the stage, but turns and adds, "A little advice, I don't know what you all want out of this, but whatever it is, the only thing that matters is you have 15 minutes to convince me to bring you back. Your future isn't in someday wanna be a star La La Land, it's today, so be what you hope to become, right now."
Marly walks over to the mike to announce our group. My makeup's melting under the hot stage lights. It's dripping into my eyes, so I wipe it off with my ripped tee. No new face I guess, but it's OK, I'm still me even if the mask comes off. We don't take our eyes off him, because the clock starts when he steps off.
Without asking for the crowd's attention, he goes into his monologue,
"Welcome to the Buhay Gardens, San Francisco's premier punk showcase! The first band tonight are the Quitters, it's their first gig," he smirks and pauses for the mosh pit regulars to begin heckling. After a few seconds to let the catcalls bloom into fuck you city, he adds, "The set runs exactly 15 minutes, which may be all the fame they deserve, so you poseurs who want to form a punk band, this handle might be available tomorrow. Help them live up to their lame name! The Quitters!"
We scramble onto the stage, no one's pissed about the intro, he's an ex-standup comedian and only talks that way if he likes you. The sarcasm helps a new band, it lowers expectations, and in this scene, hate's kinda like love. There's no time to introduce band members, but someday no one will need to hear my name, Nym, to know who's up there. I’m nervous, I should have brought my good luck tiger.
Jem begins to diddle around with the "Smoke On The Water" riff to warm up, but stops when Hydie, the drummer, throws a drum stick at his back and hisses, "Hey, quit beatin' off and watch for the cue!" She turns to me and says, "Stay close so you can hear the drums, OK, and remember to set your amp at six?" Hydie's like my older sister, and can get bossy. I smile back and nod, my amp's set to nine, and she's going to be so pissed, but I can't hear shit at six.
We blast into the first number of a six song set, a fast one called "Bambi Sucks," and the electric fog rolls in, the dense curtain of sound that turns everyone into mutes who mouth words, but nothing comes out. People think the band hears the same thing they do, which we don't. It's more like our gig at Foothill JC last month, a big sheet of white noise, where I could barely make out my guitar and some of the snare drum, with the vocals sounding like indistinct babbling in the background.
Everyone up front just stands there, no slam dancing for Bambi I guess. The title seemed funnier in practice. I'm turned up so loud that I can only hear my bass. There's no sound check for a band that's fourth on the bill, so the Sound Guy will adjust the balance as we play, assuming he gives a shit.
Our leader is a Blond surfer type who goes by the name Roder. He wanted me to wear a fishnet tee tonight, but I told him to do it himself. I'm flooby and it's too Urban Cowboy, so he went ahead and did it. The sight of his navel wiggling around like an orange in a net sack is gnarly but pretty tame stuff here in North Beach. Makes me wince to see it, so I don't look.
The first song's almost over, but Roder's yelling at me, his face contorted with rage. Why waste that energy on me? There's a packed house full of tourists, fans, and posers, all desperate to be despised. Oh, OK, now I see, he's trying to yell out instructions, twirling his right hand as the signal for whatever, then shuffles over and screams in my ear, "Keep repeating the verse! I'm cutting out the next song!"
What's Surf Dude thinking? He wants to keep playing a song about Bambi? The crowd must be wondering what the fuck he's doing, he's forgetting where we are. I glance at Jem and Hydie, and can tell they haven't seen the signal. Quill, the other vocalist, is singing the last verse, so I shake my head. I'll finish with the rest of the group. We can argue about it later. Roder's not used to high volume work. You can't shout over the amps and PA, he's wasted precious seconds of vocal time, and we're not pausing till after the next song.
We're two minutes in, I hope it gets better.
- Al HANDA
Here's an update on each of my Vella books:
The Quitters
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B09PC3L6PC
It's the first book, and after ten months, it's finally developing an audience, and the stats are trending upward this month. I think it's due to the blog and the new book/music video short format I'm using for its promotion. I’ve moved the plot lines away from potentially over technical descriptions of playing live to more emphasis on the personalities and in particular, the main character Nym. Also, some of the romance elements are now coming into play.
It's at 31 episodes, though as an ebook, we're talking maybe 15 traditional-length chapters. I'm keeping the format episodic and short, kind of like a weekly TV show, which works for Vella but will need to be restructured for the ebook.
I, Ivy
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B3RCBT4D
The story got off to a decent start, but I didn't notice that as it's obvious now that the daily totals on the Vella dashboard can differ or not jibe with the monthly or overall total, which have to be accurate as those numbers determine the royalty and bonus payouts. I'll be paying more attention to this one in November, as it’s being read more than I thought. The latest chapter, Ivy’s view of the efforts by a human to give her a pill should strike a familiar chord.
The Forbidden Lost Gospels Of Murgatroyde
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJ2TW4P1
This is a new one, though it'll be the most familiar to blog readers. I'll be changing the format of the blog in November, and putting the Lost Gospels here will allow me to fully expand that line of humor and satire in a way that simply being a blog feature doesn't permit.
The Boogie Underground Think Tank: How To Survive The End Of Civilization
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BG6LNXTG
This one is a revival of an old humor column I ran in my old "Delta Snake Blues News" publication in the 90s and 2000s. The slant is about survival in the upcoming hard times, but it really will be topical and cover subjects that are offbeat but relevant. The next one coming in a few days will be "How To Shop For The Perfect Expert," which obviously will be a humorous commentary on the use of experts in general.
The Adventures Of Queen Khleopahtra: Ruler Of Egypt, Time Traveler, and Literary Detective
https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0BJC122G7
This is another new one and will be a fun fusion of the old "Peabody and Sherman" cartoon, which was about a time-traveling dog and boy, Robert Graves' often satirical take on history, and the old "Fractured Fairy Tales" cartoon that used to be featured on the "Rocky And Bullwinkle Show."
I chose Khleopahtra as the main character because it will offer the widest range of literary situations to explore, and I happened to have a cool drawing of her and liked the idea of expanding the character. After reading the first episode, you'll agree that the possibilities are endless.
In the latest episodes, we meet Achilles and the poet Homer, who will become recurring characters!
I Can Make It To Christmas by Mark McGraw (of Handa-McGraw International). F IPlease check out and listen to Mark McGraw’s Christmas single from his album on Bandcamp,Can
