I know there are readers in the world, as well as many other good people in it, who are no readers at all,—who find themselves ill at ease, unless they are let into the whole secret from first to last, of every thing which concerns you.
- Laurence Sterne (The Life And Opinions Of Tristram Shandy 1759)
PART 2: The Mystical Bond Between Women And Cats
The mystical bond between women and the feline race was shrouded in mystery until 10432 B.C. when universal literacy via comic books and graphic porn novels made it possible for menkind to collectively ascertain why women were suddenly less willing to worship males as Gods.
A few far-sighted males postulated it was because they cheated, used the same socks all week, ate smoked sardines without brushing afterward, fell asleep immediately after sexual congress, engaged in farting contests, picked their toes, gambled family funds, killed each other for sundry reasons, and only hugged each other, but those heretics were quickly relegated to slave duty on galleys for trying to make it seem like it was a guy's fault.
The late Professor Ivy of Shitzu U made the first important discovery of this mystery of mysteries in 1897 A.D. while sniffing an ancient tree reputed to have sprouted from an acorn in the Celtic Age of White Witches and where successive generations of canine scholars had left more pieces of the puzzle in the hopes that those of a more enlightened age would aggregate the data and understand both the spiritual bond and what stuck up jerks cats are.
This set Ivy on a journey that spanned several continents (in doggie parlance, that meant several different trees and fire hydrants) and an astonishing pattern began to emerge. It became evident that women delineated this meowing relationship in veiled terms, similar to how men explain what they were doing that evening to their wives after coming home at four in the morning.
The breakthrough came in 2,567,90 A.D. when the Internet made it possible to access every book written by women published by male editors and publishers, which conveniently fit into a searchable two-volume set.
Professor Ivy made the stunning discovery that in 123,456,678 A.D., a poet named Jezebel McManus (immortalized in her autobiography "I, Ivy" due out in Sept. 2022) published a poem called "Men Are Horn-dogs," which was an intricate key that unlocked hidden messages in women's literature throughout the ages.
The furry scholar found that the line "Is aoir a tha so agus r'a leughadh a mhàin air son dibhearsain" is a cipher key that if applied to Emily Brontes' Little Women, the actual title is "Little Kitties." [Citation needed, when it was noted by theological scholar Hiram Glyphic, aka "Jesus Guy," that the actual author was Louisa May Alcott, said blog writer referred all questions to the A.I. blog generating bot who calls herself Mimee and was, he claims, the actual author of the particular passage]
Indeedy indeed, after this breakthrough, there poured forth a flood of revision and literary phraseology more awkward than found in this blog; such as the story of the Viking Goddess Freya, who was said to have driven a chariot pulled by fearsome lions but in reality, never let her precious kitties do such backbreaking labor and used studly males to pull her negative carbon-emitting vehicle. [Citation needed, actual carbon figures omit the methane from the farting contests that the male servants would engage in]
The symbology key hidden within Jezebel's work shows that the ancient stereotype of a housewife hitting her husband in the head with a frying pan is actually a bowdlerization of the suppressed epic stories of statuesque Amazons who carved up the ranks of woosy Greek Hoplites like a Ginsu knife through tofu, and Princess Paris (described by Greek social media star Homer as a prince) did, in fact, choose a super cute Siamese furbaby over the Gods Mars and Apollo in the famed beauty contest which resulted in the Trojan War. [Citation needed, Blogger admits that Mimee has oversimplified the revised myths into a convoluted run-on sentence but admits entering "must be tweet or Tik Tok length" as a programming variable for all return value output. He hopes the explanation will bring clarity to the readers of this blog]
I'll take a moment here to note that these accounts may seem to be slanted towards a sacred feminine view but think of it as a valuable exercise in what history might look like if women wrote it instead of men.
Luckily, thanks to the democratization of historical scholarship on the Internet, all are invited to add their two cents to the imposing mass of data that'll confuse and dismay historians centuries from now.
Now, we continue with regular programming...
Professor Ivy found that in Jezebel's cipher key, every third letter in the second paragraph of her poem created words that appeared to be gibberish, but by taking the second letter in each subsequent paragraph and repeating the process a million times as specified by the Infinite Monkey Theorem (first alluded to by Aristotle) a cogent sentence emerges, which translated to English, reads "Women and kitties smell better than men."
Although menkind could understand straightforward concepts like going to war for oil and betting on professional sports, the sublime aesthetics of a woman's love for tabbies defied comprehension by pragmatic warriors used to a more butch approach to relationships, who then decided such perversions must be unnatural and evil.
This led to the creation of vituperous mythologies such as the alleged partnership of witches and black cats, felines being even fussier than men about prepared food, and the defamatory assertion that the pointy-eared tribe are a bunch of snobs.
These sexist misconceptions will be shattered in part 3 of the series of "Women and Cats" in the September blog entry.
A few weeks ago, I made an exception to my usual practice of avoiding the purchase of new titles in a used book store.
The book is one of the four volumes of Orwell's essays and letters edited by Sonia Orwell and Ian Angus, which originally came out in the 70s. [Citation needed, Blogger has stated a publication date without bothering to check first, but when confronted with that fact, he replied that for Boomers like him, senility is the new 60, and dates are whatever, man…]
I bought the four-volume set back then, as it was the only way to get a comprehensive collection of his nonfiction writing at the time. That may be hard to believe now, as there are a lot of compilations available these days, but this set was a revelation to many who only knew him as the author of Animal Farm and 1984.
This paperback costs more than the original set, and as a rule, I wait until a used copy comes along. However, the chance of any of the four volumes becoming available as used copies is probably nil. There are plenty of inexpensive compilations that collect most of his important essays and book reviews (all of which I've purchased of course), and even though letters and previously unpublished works comprise much of the new material, most people probably don't see much point in reading that kind of stuff.
That's true for me, too, to be honest, but I did remember reading all four volumes several times and figured that the three used books I was interested in weren't as good a purchase as this.
Orwell's letters were written during an era when good correspondence and conversation were esteemed (going back to ancient times). In fact, with one prominent literary figure, Samuel Johnson, a great deal of his fame rests with a biography written by James Boswell, who recorded many of the remarkable conversations by this much sought after dinner guest, and attained literary fame for doing so.
There was a time when being able to say that one was engaged in an exchange of letters with a figure like Voltaire was a must in educated (or richer) circles, and even in modern times, people like Orwell put a great deal of thought and time into it. You can see in this book that he wasn't just a "Socialist writer" and that his literary sensibilities encompassed a wide range of genres from trash, poetry, and highbrow.
Many might be surprised to know that he was passionate about poetry and a scholar and expert on the subject.
Orwell derived a good part of his living from writing reviews, and even if the book appeared to be on a fast track to a bargain bin, he was professional enough to realize that the reader wants to know that the reviewer actually read the book, and has real thoughts and insight on it. So in Orwell's best work, a reader could get a clear idea as to what the book was about, with context. His best reviews read like a great coffee house chat, if you know what I mean.
That's not an easy thing to teach or quantify, and it can require a writer to go out on a limb and risk being wrong. His reviews of Jack London's books (in later volumes of this set) nail the atavistic undercurrent, while others, like his essay on Dickens are more like exploration or a literary meditation that doesn't quite get there, but shows a desire to understand the appeal of that great author.
The current Orwell compilations are an excellent introduction and, for most readers, probably all they'll need. However, the focus on the more celebrated essays and reviews can create an impression that only his critique of major writers were important or of interest to the average reader.
It's understandably easier to sell an Orwell essay collection if he's talking about Dickens or Tolstoy, than "Searchlight On Spain" by the Duchess Of Atholl. Still, he wasn't a hack and approached every review with sincerity even if the book wasn't ultimately interesting.
Orwell kept in touch with other writers and friends and often got into involved discussions about books and issues. In one letter to Brenda Salkeld he talks about James Joyce's "Ulysses" with a more casual and personal view than in his formal reviews. It's an interesting train of thought written during a time when the book was more current, and people were still making up their minds about it.
Another example is his 1935 review of Henry Miller's Tropic Of Cancer, which had been published the year before and wasn't easy to find. It was written before the controversies and banning, and to Orwell, it was a work by an up-and-coming author.
He felt that the book was remarkable and that people should try to get a copy and read it, but his view of the characters was less adoring than more recent writings by others.
His description of Miller and his friends was "the out-at-elbow, good for nothing type," most of whom were freeloading regulars at the local brothel. Which, as he saw it, was the whole point, that it was about a seamier, more "common" view of life that didn't generally make it into novels (at the time).
The final words of the review are, "I do not imagine that in Tropic Of Cancer, I have discovered the great novel of the century, but I do think it is a remarkable book and I strongly advise anyone who can get hold of a copy to have a look at it."
In 2022, perhaps a good many admirers of the book would say that Orwell was wrong or didn't see the genius but frankly, his review caught the essence of the work better than many of the recent opinions I've read.
The appraisal of a classic can accumulate a lot of mythology and consensus that can, on the one hand, give it new relevance but skew the perception of a book and even the message.
Which is all just good old fashioned fun in the art world, even if the revisionism is amplified by posers who want to give others the impression that they've actually read the book in question or impress a date (though sensible single women get wary if the man claims to read books).
For many readers, Volume 3 and 4 would be more enjoyable. Those show a writer at the peak of his powers and the letters exude the confidence of someone who's been published and widely read within his circle (though his success with fiction was mixed).
Calling this a book for aficionados might not be exactly the term I'm looking for, but if you've read his essays then this volume will be a revelation as it shows an intimate glimpse of the person who wrote what are now very influential books and essays.
I'll go ahead and reread this one. With a writer this good, there'll be something I missed the last time through.
The other day I came across an old Facebook post that was supposed to be a clever life hack that turned a bra into a "gas mask."
One problem is, unless the woman carries the bra in her purse (which would make it almost impossible to find), it would have to removed on the spot, which isn't practical to do in public for reasons that don't need to be explained.
However, as a public service to those who don't get enough lecturing and know-it-all blurbs on social media and cable news, and desire an explanation, here are insights reprinted from the unpublished book by the late Professor Ivy Of Shitzu U, "How To Prepare For The End Of Civilization."
As far as homemade gas masks, the good Professor states:
"For protection against modern gas or biological weapons, any mask without eye protection is useless. Chemical agents like nerve gas also attack through exposed skin, like when you take the bra off to make the mask. Plus, many men will die due to staring at a woman's exposed mammaries instead of taking emergency measures, and society will usually blame her.
If you really must try to survive a gas attack, then one stupid life hack is to put your head into a plastic bag (clear one if possible) like your parents told you not to do, and that'll give you about three minutes to exit the area before suffocating to death (subtract one minute if you haven't taken your anxiety meds)."
Professor Ivy adds, "If you haven't popped all the air pillow wrap from your Amazon packages, then your life can be extended by a few more seconds by cutting a hole in an intact pillow and sticking your nose in it. More than enough time to post your demise on Tik Tok and Twitter."
Stunning truths, to be sure!
The noted canine scholar also added some historical background to explain why people would even conceive of a gas mask made from a bra, excluding the possibility that the idea came from a male, who would, of course, never advise using a jock strap for the same purpose.
Ivy's book relates:
"The modern origins of covering nose and mouth with cloth stem from the first Battle Of Ypres in World War One. The Germans achieved complete surprise with the first use of chlorine gas which devastated the Allied front line trench.
Two groups of soldiers survived the attack; the ones who high-tailed their butts out of there and those who improvised gas masks by using a cloth soaked in wee wee."
Trench warfare was, in reality, a siege where both sides needed food and water brought up by support troops. Needless to say, both sides knew this and would regularly bombard all likely routes taken by logistical personnel trying to deliver supplies to the front.
The use of urine wasn't due to any known scientific principle at the time. It was common sense that a wet cloth does a better job of filtering, and urine might have been an improvisation by those who had empty canteens due to the prolonged preliminary shelling cutting off supply.
The learned Professor continues in chapter 3, "What was learned in this attack was, although a soldier's best chance of survival was to take off like a scared bunny, military necessity required any personnel below the rank of General to stay in the trenches to meet the attack that was sure to follow any deployment of gas."
The Shitzu Sage added, "Even leaders at the staff level realized that it would be impossible to get normal human beings to sit still in a gas attack without protection. Thus the constant development and improvement of gas masks continues to this day.
It would seem that the United States would have the technological muscle to make sure every citizen has a gas mask in every pot (chicken is too expensive now) or at least as many as subcontractors in China and India can manufacture in sweatshops to meet demand."
The furry scholar's view may seem cynical, but Mimee, the new A.I. Blog Generator, adds an observation that emphasizes the positive,
"The Government will half-ass it until people start dying, but the sleeping giant will awaken and handle it as effectively as they would a pandemic or autocorrect software."
Reassuring words indeed!
However, a more jaundiced view was expressed by noted think-tank writer, Nymie "The Kitty" Katt, who noted in 2345,99,000 A.D. that "Most victims in, say, a V.X. Gas attack, would have one to ten minutes to live depending on the length of exposure and how much processed food was eaten."
The shaggy-eared Academic doesn't deny that penetrating observation but adds:
"Most V.X. Gas attacks would originate from a NATO country, most of whom wouldn't attack the U.S. Such an action would be unlikely as the standard response would be a nuclear attack, being force fed Kale chips, or cancellation on social networks.
The most likely scenario, terrorism by a rogue state or homegrown, would be devastating but localized, and it's believed that most Americans would prefer that terrorists target NYC, California, Texas, or Florida depending on their political affiliation."
Although this isn't helpful to those in an actual chemical attack, the Professor notes: "All wouldn't be lost. There's time to do maybe one or two items on your bucket list that only takes a minute while gasping for air."
This may seem like facile advice from an admittedly intelligent dog who thinks nothing of smelling butts and human feet, but the truth is a hard road that anyone earning less than $1,234,567,890 a year must follow.
The long-eared sage with the fluffy tail concludes in Chapter six of her book, "Hoc satirarum fragmentum non contemnitur."
Editor's Note: Those who are astounded by the pungent insights of Professor Ivy Of Shitzu U can delight in her upcoming autobiography, titled "I, Ivy" due out in September 2022.
- Al Handa
August 2022
Those who’d like to read a preview of the book, “I,Ivy” can read the first three chapters on Kindle Vella until August 28. After that date, it will be taken down and combined with the unpublished chapters to create the ebook version in September.
The ebook “On The Road With Al & Ivy: The Anthology Volume 1 2016-2018 is now on Kindle Unlimited!
I’ll run free promotions later this month, but members can read it for free now.
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